“Back to School” Family Challenge

It’s almost the time for that dreaded “SCHOOL!!!” word to kick into full gear. Are you ready? I’m assuming with all of the weekly advertisements it is hard not to be very aware of the seemingly endless list needed for a smooth transition back into the school year. However, as important as classroom supplies, school clothes and sports gear is to your child’s success in their academic growth, I would like to highlight another major area in their life that can play a significant role in how much learning actually happens this year……their routine at home.

As our children return to school and spend less time in the home, it is very beneficial to be even more purposeful of the quality time and efficiency they experience during the limited hours they are actually at home. I would like to offer some helpful ideas to keep a sense of balance and routine as an entire family that will not only set them up for success, but likely draw you even closer connected to your loved ones…including the family petJ

Organization:

               What better way is there to get organized than to focus on your organization!?!  For instance, where exactly do you expect your children…and your spouse….to put all the books, bags and clothes they bring home from their various adventures? Do you have a designated spot for backpacks, paperwork, gym bags, etc? If not, I strongly suggest you do so, because this simple step can eliminate a lot of time spent looking for lost items that seem to magically disappear the night before they are truly needed.

Now, what if you already have a designated place, yet no one seems to remember exactly where that is, or perhaps they conveniently forgot how to actually place things in the designated place? Well, there are two quick solutions. First, take a picture of what a clean and organized space is expected to look like and/or have a bulleted checklist of the items that are required to be present before a certain time the night before (you could even make labels for those who love using a label maker). Second, establish a new set of expectations that “those who can be responsible for organizing their spaces, are also those who may continue to keep the privileges they are regularly given” (if they can’t seem to remember…or care…to put their things away, simply have a list of consequences established so that they know what they are signing themselves up for if and/or when they decide to test your expectations).

               Another way to stay organized during the school year is to commit to making a meal prep menu for each week. By planning ahead of time (just like school cafeterias do), you and your children will have a much more predictable menu and you can take advantage of weekends or nights off to do larger meals and also consider crockpot dinners and previously prepped frozen meals for those nights that are a little more hectic.

Setting Limits:

               This one is a tough one. Especially in our modern high tech and socialized culture, there are soooo many different things that can pull each of us in several directions. There is such a competition for our time and energy as parents and children alike. However, when you can give yourself permission to “not have to say yes to everything”, which means giving your children the reality that they will have to “learn to say no to some things”, it will allow a more realistic time frame to work with and fit in family time and down time….such as sleeping a full 7-8 hours. I strongly recommend putting a fair and reasonable limit on extra-curricular activities, organizations and even volunteering.  When you can model with confidence the ability to accept limits and prioritize your priorities, it shows your children the true value of having balance in their life despite the genuine disappointment that comes from not being able to do everything available to them.

Quality Time:

               Having additional opportunities for quality time is one of the main intended benefits for focusing on organization and setting limits. However, just because we may have additional time to use, doesn’t mean we always spend it as purposefully as we could. I recommend you set relationship goals of both time spent and quality connection activities to do with each of your family members and the family as a whole. For instance, scheduling family dinner times and preparing a list of family questions to discuss during dinner is a great way to incorporate a requirement of eating with an intentional effort to connect. (Check out this link for ideas about creating your own family’s dinner questions jar). It is also helpful to designate certain nights of the week as “family game night” or “family movie night” or even specific times of the night for “individual education time” where each person (including you parentsJ) picks a brain stimulating activity (not electronic based) that could range from reading, drawing, music practice, Sudoku, cross words, etc. When your children see that you value downtime and education time enough to participate in it yourselves, they are much more likely to see the value for themselves.

In the spirit of keeping things simple, and knowing that you probably are limited in the time you have to even read this article, I will end here. I truly do hope that you can find at least a few ideas from above that will help you better prepare and execute a plan to make this next school year one of “many fruits and blessings”.

Justin

When Children Are Given Two Choices, They Still Have Three Options

“Now honey, would you like to play with your toys nicely and keep them, or would you rather not play with your toys nicely and then they can stay in my closet?” Have you ever tried that one on your toddler?


Or perhaps you may have tried a different version of that on your teen? (“Would you like to drive responsibly and keep your license, or not and I will be happy to hold on to it until you are more ready for safe driving?)


Dare I say even on your spouse? (“If you would be willing to stop using hurtful words I am willing to stay in the room and discuss this with you, if not I will choose to give myself some space from you until we are both speaking calmly.”)


If you are familiar with the Love and Logic approach to parenting and to marriage interactions, you likely are noticing the use of “choices” and “enforceable statements” (focusing more on what I will do or allow, and not on what they have to do or can’t do), in the examples given above. While there is an abundance of research and literature about the importance and effectiveness of these techniques, (see www.loveandlogic.com) I would like to point out a very important concept that helps us with what happens after we use a statement such as those.


In reality, we can only control certain things, primarily our own thoughts, feelings, intentions, choices, etc. Therefore, also in reality, we cannot control other things, especially others thoughts, feelings, intentions, preferences, choices, etc. So as you sharpen our skills at taking more ownership of yourself by being honest, loving and fair in your discussions and boundaries, I encourage you to remember that even when you use the proven techniques of setting limits and offering choices, your child still has, and always will have options that will likely fall under three main categories:

1. They can choose to do something that will make it better
2. They can choose to do something that will make it worse
3. They can choose to do nothing and leave it to chance


When people choose “to do something that will make it better”, they are likely going to have to prepare themselves to accept what they can’t change or control, while learning to advocate for what they do want, yet make a choice that fits within the parameters given to them. For instance, if the child truly values playing with the toy, even though hitting their sibling with it is much more fun, then they can choose to “accept”, stop hitting, and continue to play with the toy in harmony. The end result is a win-win for all.


When people choose “to do something that will make it worse”, they are most certainly electing to “not accept” and will move into the “rebel mode” with various attempts to escalate things, debate things, retaliate against the authorities involved and/or withdraw, pout, and passively harbor anger and resentment. The end result is a lose for the child due to the lack of growth as well as the loss of the toy,yet if the parent maintains a loving posture, the child will still have a chance for a “to do something to make it better” the next time.


When people choose “to do nothing and leave it to chance”, they are likely allowing themselves to be too passive to their needs and preferences, allowing themselves to stay stuck in a helpless/victim position, or are secretly wanting the authority/parent to be over responsible and do it for them, especially so then the child can attempt to blame the parent later. The dilemma with “leaving it to chance” is that the child doesn’t learn how to grow from the situation, will likely still have to deal with the dilemma in the future, and are literally allowing someone or something else to dictate the outcome whereas they could have chosen to take ownership for themselves in the first place.


Like many other topics about “life lessons”, these three options are easy to write about and read, yet the true act of love and growth is in applying and personalizing them. My hope is that you first commit to observe how often you and/or your child (spouse, etc) naturally do either of the three options, then, when you are ready, ask yourself…..

“Am I ready to address this pattern and do something to make it better, do I want to ignore it or escalate it and make it worse, or do I choose to just sit and observe and leave it to chance that things will magically change on their own?”




Justin