As I wrote about in the previous Couples Connection Challenge , developing the spiritual “heart to” for your marriage is at the core of an active and growing love which is capable of lasting throughout the journey of your lifetime together. As a Christian marriage therapist, re-igniting each spouses “heart to” is one of the first building blocks I seek to establish in my work with a couple.
Similar to the tendency for wanting the “how to” answers first, I have found that couples are often focused on the “here and now” of their circumstance and state of marriage. As important as the current circumstances we find ourselves in are, I have found that taking at least a look into the origins of the relationship is a well worthwhile investment of a couple’s time and emotional energy.
And that is where we start…in the beginning.
So how about you…..
What was your first date? Or maybe, what was the first great date with your future spouse like?
What did you do, how did they act, how did you feel?
What type of energy, creativity and romance did you bring to the date?
It is important to re-ignite an emotional connection to what drew the two of you close in the first place. In all likelihood those same connection points are what you each are yearning for still today. Unfortunately, the realities of life, marriage, and family begin to serve as threats to the connection and intimacy you may have once shared. Taking an honest look at the specific barriers to romance, excitement and “newness” of your relationship is an equally important step to re-igniting the connection you are looking for in your marriage.
So how about for you…..
- What specific barriers do you see that get in the way of the “feeling good” feeling of your dating days?
- What would you have to overcome if you attempted to replicate your dating stage at this point in your marriage?
- Is it time or energy, boredom, redundancy? Or is it a deeper fear of disappointment, or a doubt of being accepted and responded to if you took initiative?
Overcoming any barrier in relationship is about being willing to take initiative, take emotional risks and showing vulnerability. It is in this vulnerability for the intention of an honest, authentic and selfless expression of love that you not only draw closer to your spouse, but also to the design in which God binds the two of you (see Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31).
Often times this is the point where one spouse or the other will look at me and say, “Great, now what? We’ve remembered what it was like when we first started dating, and we’ve talked about what gets in the way in our life today….so now what….how do we get that spark back?”
Well, if you have read some of my previous blog posts you will know some of the ways I tend to respond here. If you aren’t as familiar with my previous articles, I would encourage you to peruse the archived section (see the right side of this page). Either way, this is the proper time and place for a few suggestions from the “how to” category that many of the couples have seen benefit from.
I recommend that you start with brainstorming a list of potential couples date night, even ones with the kids in the house. It is important for children to see your marriage as a separate yet integrated entity in the family they are in. God designed marriage to be both distinct and in the context of a larger body of love and community. By brainstorming ahead of time, you engage in the creative part of your brain that is much more effective when it doesn’t feel the pressure of last minute planning or “forced spontaneity”.
Also be sure to include a list of potential family date nights in which you integrate your current life circumstance and family size within the context of “dating your spouse”.
You may also benefit from doing some research. By asking friends, support groups, or even if you google it you will definitely find ideas abound that are creative and unique…..which is exactly the point, to personalize whichever ideas you gather to the type of person you are and the type of romance your spouse draws toward.
Finally, it is important to remember that dating is about more than just going places; rather it is mostly about the type of connection both verbally, emotionally, and spiritually that you create. By putting focus on learning “to know and be known” in your marriage, you will be invited to a greater intimacy as God has planned for your relationship.
For a greater sense of the “heart to” in learning to date your spouse, I recommend this article http://jarridwilson.com/im-dating-someone-even-though-im-married/.
And for an expanded list of “how to” ideas, check out these sites for other great date night ideas….
- http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/twenty-five-inexpensive-ideas-for-great-dates-1285344.html
- http://unveiledwife.com/at-home-date-night-ideas/
- http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2009/november/eightgreatdatenights.html
- http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/marriage/great-date-ideas
So….are you up to the challenge? Are you willing to continue the journey to draw closer to your spouse’s heart?
If so……Happy Dating!
Justin
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