Couples Connection Challenge #4: Learning to Dialogue and Engage with Your Spouse

So here we are, the final week of the challenge. Did you make an honest effort for interviewing your spouse? Were you able to make room in your heart for the honest answers you may have received? Were you prepared to answer any questions your spouse may have had for you? Are there any questions that you aren’t quite ready to bring to the surface?


In this stage of a couples challenge, each couple’s experience will vary drastically. Yet, it is by maintaining focus on the consistencies and principles that God invites us toward which will allow for enough security to “be still, and know that He is there” (Psalm 46:10). And so to finish this couple’s challenge, I invite you to the art of learning to dialogue….more importantly, the ability to keep the dialogue going not just through the end of the issue being discussed, but throughout the life of your marriage.


So what exactly is dialogue? Speaking in dictionary terms, the definition of dialogue includes, “a conversation between two or more persons; an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue; to discuss areas of disagreement candidly in order to resolve them”.


While I don’t disagree with those explanations, I also believe a marital dialogue is more about allowing the conversation of the topic, but also from the heart, to continue, to expand, and to be integrated throughout the relationship’s journey. All too often couples misconstrue the scripture verse of “not letting the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26) as a reprimand for “we must finish and conclude every disagreement….now!” However, I have found working with couples that it is spiritually enriching when both spouses commit to continue the spirit of the conversation, sometimes throughout many seasons, not as a way of avoidance rather as an intentional honoring of the importance the issue has for each of them. When there is a felt security in knowing the dialogue won’t end just because the conversation of the issue has temporarily ceased, it allows both spouses to trust the value of reflecting internally and upwardly to God to get a better understanding and perspective, as opposed to demanding a solution or compromise of either spouse’s heart.


So that is where we start with this week's challenge. The first step in learning to dialogue is to create a healthy and emotionally safe environment for dialogue. As a couple, work towards an agreement on the best times and places for deeper discussion. Find the right “temperature” in your heart for when and how to bring up the issues needed to be discussed, yet instill grace and patience for not having all the answers and solutions according to a human made timeline. When initiating a dialogue, it is helpful to simply ask, “Is now a good time, if not when would be for you?” Also it is wise to give a bit of an overview of the issue, the level of intensity or urgency the issue has for you, as well any hoped for outcomes you might have prior to even having the discussion. The important thing is for both spouses to feel prepared and secure, or at least be ready to lean on God and the Holy Spirit to guide the discussion from an honest place of the heart, and not from a defensive or reactive attitude.


As the topic is discussed, it is helpful when both spouses are given the space (within a reasonable time frame) to present and share their perspectives, without reactions or defensiveness, but rather with a heart of seeking to understand the intention, concern, and hoped for outcome of each spouse. Try to avoid jumping straight to action, requests, or planning a “fix it” solution. It may help to end discussions with a statement such as, “based on what we just discussed, is there any future planning or further discussions that would be helpful to have…if so when would be a good time for us”


Remember to be open to continuing the dialogue….like a good volley in a game of tennis, allowing each other to contribute to the giving and receiving of the information and emotional sharing of the discussion. It is in this process that a couple deepens their ability to build trust and credibility in each other as well as in their relationship’s strength to endure temporary disagreements or dilemmas, knowing that with perseverance there will be resolution.


As you reflect back on this past month, my hope is that you have seen the value of each step we focused on. Marriages thrive when spouses genuinely invest their time and energy into connecting and being more present with each other. Yet a spiritual marriage is strengthened when there is an intentional effort to explore and learn more about each other’s heart, and commit to develop the art of dialogue. In many ways, the various circumstances the two of you face throughout your lifetime together is how God dialogues with each of you. I pray that He continues to guide you and lead you to a deeper knowing of His love for you and His plans for your marriage.


Thank you for taking the Couples Connection Challenge!


Justin