Have you ever had a genuine desire to learn about your
child’s day, only to be met with their determination to not say a peep?
If so, how do you respond to them? Do you try to poke, prod
and pry their little lips, only to get a “it was okay” or “I don’t know”?
Do you try to bribe
them with some clever incentive that might motivate them to share with you? Or
do you find yourself getting frustrated to the point of being angry or perhaps
even feeling a bit rejected by your own child?
No matter how old your child is, it can be quite challenging
if your child decides to play the “see if you can get me to talk” game.
However, as both a parent and a professional family therapist, I have found it
helpful to remind yourself of the original reason you are even inquiring about
how they are doing and how their day went…. because of your unsolicited love
for them. When we can remember that “we ask because we care”, then we have a
baseline for the type of reactions we show in response to their version of the
silent treatment.
To begin with, I recommend that instead of just commanding
them to tell you how their day went, commit to leading with the words, “would
you be willing”. Those four words
communicate a sense of invitation without reprimand, as well as maintain an
appropriate level of respect you have for them as an individual who may or may
not decide to share their “treasures” (thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc)
with you.
If you still hear nothing, try following up with words that
clarify your heart’s intention for learning about their world and acknowledge
the purpose and value you see in staying connected with not just them but others
in your life who are important to you. Then, as hard as it may be, allow them
to decide when they are ready…even if it is way past your preferred timeline.
Very similar to playing the game Battleship, the more you
try to “find their location”, the more they will squirm away and hope you “miss
the target”. So instead of continuing to bombard them with question after
question, it is often healthier for both if you simply acknowledge they “are on
the radar” and allow them to come to you when they are ready.
Finally, it is also important to finish with a statement
that tells them how often you plan to ask anyway, even if they don’t answer,
not because you are trying to annoy them but rather because you commit to being
sensitive to their preferences, but never to the point where you stop being the
loving parent you are trying to be. It
is important to try to find a balance between not invading their privacy yet
not abandoning them or yourself and who you want to be as their parent and as a
person that you value being.
So as the school year warms up, and your child/children
spend more time away from the home then at home, I wish you luck and good form
in attempting to connect with you child about who they are and how they are
experiencing the life provided for them.
Justin
