How Would You Describe Your Marriage: Friends, Lovers, or Simply Surviving?

As a Christian marriage therapist, I often hear spouses describe marriage in a variety of ways. Some describe their marriage as “an adventure through life with their best friend”, while others describe their marriage as if they are “business partners and co-workers, but not necessarily enjoying each other as friends”. While others describe their marriage as if they are “simply roommates; like two ships passing in the night”.

Although God is the same God and His design for marriage has never changed….why do we have such different experiences within the same constitution of marriage?

 This article won’t be able to address the entirety of that question, however, I do hope to bring to your attention a few specific connection points every marriage needs in order to truly thrive.

To begin with, each marriage must find a balance between being able to function through the logistics of life such as the restrictions of time, energy, money, (grocery lists, errands, parenting, chores, etc.) and the intentional efforts it takes to build and cultivate a sense of friendship and intimacy in their marriage. As God created us as human “beings”, and not just human “doings”, so to our marriage can’t just be about checking off lists and making it through the day. Instead, our marriage is designed to be a refuge and safe haven where we can learn to not only be ourselves but also freely accept and receive who are spouse really is, not just the person they need to be to the rest of the world.

 Both professionally and personally, I have found that a foundation of friendship in marriage is based on the level of three distinct stages:

1.      “Knowing” each other

2.      “Liking” each other

3.      “Interacting” with each other

The “knowing each other” stage is based on the ability to interview, learn and experience one’s spouse in light of their interests, dreams and desires. When couples can unlock the emotional and spiritual story being told by their uniquely personal experiences, it offers an invaluable level of intimacy, discovery and acceptance of one another.

The “liking each other” stage is in regards to showing goodwill towards each other, being thoughtful and purposeful in depositing positives in one another’s “emotional bank account.” Often times it is the little everyday actions and interchanges which show kindness, love and attention to each other, that lead to the positive energy which fuels friendship and excitement for their partner’s presence, even despite any inconsistencies or “warts of character”. As God purposely and unconditionally pursues us, we too are called to truly learn to like not just love our spouse.

The “interacting with each other” stage is about learning to be purposeful and creative in finding ways to cross paths throughout your daily and weekly routine. Marriages thrive when there is a balance of both functional interacting, such as game planning for the monthly budget and grocery list, as well as relational interacting, such as date nights, gestures of kindness, and stirring up interests of past events and activities you both fell in love over. Another important part of interacting is the spouse’s ability and willingness to initiate and maintain dialogue and discussions of deeper relationship issues or opportunities for growth and healing. When couples are able to have dialogue and reconnection meetings, whether they are informal and as needed, or purposefully planned such as a weekly check-in, couples often experience a sense of trust, safety and predictability in their relationship even with the “not so fun issues”.

Although there are several other components marriages need to thrive, I hope that you commit to evaluating your marriage for opportunities to better connect, and hopefully better enjoy the life and friend God has given you through your spouse.

Justin