The Importance of Boundaries in Your Life

I have a few questions for you…

    Do you struggle saying no to people? Or at least feel bad when you do?

    

    Do you have a habit of saying yes to everyone so much that you run yourself weary?

    

    Do you tend to own other people’s dilemmas, even when it creates more chaos in your own life?

    Do you perhaps just say no to everything because you’re afraid if you say yes once, they will always expect a yes every time.

If you said yes to any of those questions, or you happen to know someone in your life that would identify with those questions, then I strongly recommend you continue reading this blog post.

So what exactly are boundaries?

Well, boundaries are anything from the skin that holds your body together, to your property fence line, as well as your ability to say, “no thanks” to someone trying to sell you something you don’t really need but feel bad for turning them down.

For a more technical definition, I refer to Henry Cloud and John Townsend, renowned authors of the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. In their words:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where you end and where someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family or other past relationships have confused us about our parameters.” –Cloud and Townsend

So why are boundaries important?

Scripture tells us that we are to know the difference between the burdens we are to help share with others and the loads we are to carry ourselves (see Galatians 6:2-5). Boundaries are created and used by God to establish limits on what is and what is not acceptable, on what is and on what is not loving. Practically speaking, for any healthy relationship to exist, an appropriate amount of boundaries need to be established and actively maintained in order to navigate through the various twists and turns life will bring throughout the duration of that relationship.

So how do we exactly set healthy boundaries?

Well, now that question isn’t quite so simple to answer. In fact, Cloud and Townsend have written numerous books to help answer that question and there is still much more to be written considering each relationship you are in is comprised of a multitude of unique people and variables that contribute to the types of boundary dilemmas you might face in any one of your relationships. The good news, however, is by studying scripture, paying attention to the proven facts that modern research offers us and committing to continual application of the knowledge Cloud and Townsend and other authors share in their books, you and I alike can be equipped with an understanding of the key principles that are involved in nearly every situation you may face.

So at this point if you are interested in learning more about how boundaries develop, what the common boundary styles are, what are the most common ways boundaries breakdown in our relationships, ways to overcome patterns of impulsivity, avoidance or hidden resentments in relationship, or practically any other question you might have about boundaries in relationships….I strongly encourage you to consider either of these options:

1.     Commit to reading the Boundaries series, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, starting with their original book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. After that, I recommend any of their follow up books that focus on specific situations and relationships where boundaries are most relevant in your life (marriage, with your children, in the workplace, with your church community, etc.) To see more of what resources are available to you, check out www.cloudtownsend.com.

2.    Consider attending a workshop and/or training for creating healthy boundaries in your life. For those in the Madison, WI area, I personally offer a Life Skills Workshop Series (which are six-week, 90 minute therapeutic based group workshops), one of which focuses on “Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries”.  For more information please check the following links (promotional information and testimonials from past attendees). If you aren’t in the Madison area, I recommend you contact your local pastor, community education center or well-regarded therapy agency for information they may have about these types of services.

3.    Take a minute and sign-up to receive these blog posts directly to your email and as a follow up to this article, I will write several blog posts throughout the year focusing on the topic of boundaries and the various impacts it has on our personal, relational and spiritual lives.

I hope this post has caught your attention and perhaps motivated you just enough to take action on any of the suggestions I have made. I am certain that key people in your life…especially yourself…will thank you for it.

Justin

Three Ways to Make a Decision in Marriage

As a Christian marriage and family therapist, I have the privilege of seeing the “ins and outs” and the “behind the scenes” of how things happen in many marriages. What is interesting is that for all the diversity in the demographics of the couples that I help with in my office, some key patterns exist in nearly all relationships universally. One of those commonalities all couples share is the way in which decisions are made.

While there are many different aspects of how decisions are made in marriage, in this blog post, I hope to help clarify an important distinction in regards to the degree of involvement both spouses have in actually making the decision. The three types of decision making I now present are:

1.      Informing

2.     Conferring

3.     Deferring

When spouses use the “informing” style of decision making, one spouse is likely just telling the other what they are planning to do and basically just giving the other a heads up. Some of the real examples of the “informing style” I have heard in my office are, “honey, I’m going to be a few hours late tomorrow because I’m going golfing after work” or “I invited my parents over for the holidays, consider yourself warned!”. Now there is a lot of value in the “informing style”, especially when you consider the type of direct, hopefully loving, assertiveness it takes to inform another person about what, why, how, when, and/or where something is going to take place. However, I have learned that if a couple only “informs” each other about the different things in their life, they usually become more or less like roommates who often are like two ships passing in the night, not really coordinated towards a common goal or direction.

The second style I often see with couples is the “conferring style”. When spouses confer with each other, they typically take an additional step to the “informers” and ask their spouse follow up questions like, “what are your thoughts about my idea?” or “how do we want to work together on this?”. Just like in a conference meeting, the “conferring style” of decision making requires two individuals who are willing to provide and receive information in a collaborative way that will help them to arrive at a decision that is somewhat mutually beneficial.

Now, the third style of decision making is what I consider the “deferring style”. I can always tell when either or both spouses are using the defer method because either one spouse will passively concede and give in to whatever their spouse just suggested (or informed them about), or neither spouse is capable of making a decision because both are stuck in an endless game of deferring which ends up sounding like: “what do you want to do this weekend?...I don’t know, what do you want to do?...I don’t know…” and so on and so on. Again, there is a great value in being loving, considerate and kind enough to defer to your spouse on both big and little decisions in marriage. However, as you can imagine, if a spouse were to only defer, either it sets up one spouse to be the only one in charge or else it is very unlikely that anything gets decided upon and often leads to life just happening to them rather than the couple leading with conviction and unity (see a future blog post about “deciding versus sliding” in your marriage).

As you read this, there is a high likelihood that you can relate to one, two or all three of these styles….I know I sure can. The good news is that in a healthy marriage, we truly need to develop the ability and wisdom of knowing how and when to use all three. Thankfully, we are called to marriage not just for enjoyment or convenience, but rather to be “trained in righteousness” (see Hebrews 12:11) by a God that both began the Bible with marriage and ends the Bible with a marriage.

Justin

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There Has Never Been an Easter Sunday without a Good Friday First

Have you ever struggled in life and wondered “Why is this happening to me? How long do I have to suffer for? Why won’t God just do something about this?” I know I sure have, and it’s amazing that despite my belief and trust in God, I can’t help but allow my doubts to creep in and I sometimes begin to paint a bleak and dismal future in my mind. Yet, if I when I hold on with faith just a little bit longer, I have almost always found the “sun through the dark clouds” in the situation that seemed at some points improbable and the obstacles seemed impassable.

 

Now, we know that God is both the “author and perfector” (see Hebrews 12:2), so He clearly has a plan for both trials, temptations and tribulations in our life. And whether “He wills or He allows” struggles in our lives, He has offered us His Son, not only as Our Savior, but also as a reminder of the importance of faith and continuing to believe even when it seems so dark and hope seems so bleak. 

For a Biblical reference of this truth, look no further than the story of Easter. For Christians, Easter Sunday is a time of great celebration, renewal and restored faith. However, there has never been an Easter Sunday without a Good Friday first. In Biblical times, just a third day prior, Christ in flesh died on a cross with no “magic change” or “God just fix this for me type of intervention”.  In many ways that is how our lives work: we face great trials and struggle, and often times we face way more pain, suffering and adversity than we ever imagined we would. Yet, if we choose to give up and stop believing, we would almost certainly miss the personalized miracles and blessings that God had in store for us. In other words, “if we stop believing on Saturday, we will never realize the full glory of Easter Sunday”.

As a Christian therapist, I have personally witnessed countless tales of people’s suffering and struggles, yet I am never ceased to be amazed at the glorious transformation of character and faith that happens when people are able to “not grow weary or lose heart” (see Hebrews 12:3). I hope and pray that you too will “bear your cross” (see Matthew 16:24-26) when called to, so despite the conflict, trial and tribulation, you are able to find growth in your character, solace in your heart and a life renewed in Christ.

 

Justin

Spring Cleaning for Your Marriage

It’s finally spring time….well at least that’s what the calendar says. But before we get too far ahead with filling our schedule full of summer activities, Spring is a great time to take notice of the things we haven’t dealt with or perhaps simply forgot about during the dulls of winter. Although you might spend time dusting off the windows and uncovering the grill, I hope you devote some purposeful time and energy to breathe life into your relationship and restart the engines of your marriage.

Just like opening up the windows and doors to allow the fresh air and warm sunlight in, a worthwhile effort is made when we open up the windows and doors for communication with our spouse. Whether it be by offering additional insight into your hopes and intentions for the upcoming change of seasons or by creating more availability to each other’s presence, it is very beneficial to invite your spouse into your world and to pursue an active role in theirs.

Another place to start is by raking up the old leaves of past issues that weren’t fully dealt with last season and allow the “newly forming grass” of re-commitment and understanding to replace it. The soil of our relationship is enriched when we are willing to deliberately return to the issues that we so often face, but not with a shovel for digging us in a deeper hole, rather with a rake to blend in the nutrients that we both have to offer in the issues we face.

Finally, I recommend you sit down with your spouse and talk through a shared list of priorities focusing on the “must do and must see” types of experiences you are hoping to have during the upcoming season. When we can ignite excitement and motivation into our relationship, we often find ourselves enjoying the adventures of life and marriage as opposed to feeling obligated and dragged down by the “honey-do lists” life seems to make for us.

If you are looking for more ideas on how to spring clean in your marriage, I recommend the article 8 Ways to Spring Clean Your Marriage by Rebecca Barlow Jordan from www.crosswalk.com

 

Justin