I have a few
questions for you…
Do you struggle saying no to
people? Or at least feel bad when you do?
Do you have a habit of saying yes
to everyone so much that you run yourself weary?
Do you tend to own other people’s
dilemmas, even when it creates more chaos in your own life?
Do
you perhaps just say no to everything because you’re afraid if you say yes
once, they will always expect a yes every time.
If you said yes
to any of those questions, or you happen to know someone in your life that
would identify with those questions, then I strongly recommend you continue
reading this blog post.
So what exactly are
boundaries?
Well, boundaries
are anything from the skin that holds your body together, to your property
fence line, as well as your ability to say, “no thanks” to someone trying to
sell you something you don’t really need but feel bad for turning them down.
For a more
technical definition, I refer to Henry Cloud and John Townsend, renowned
authors of the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take
Control of Your Life. In their words:
“Boundaries define us. They define what
is me and what is not me. A boundary
shows where you end and where someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership.
The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but
often our family or other past relationships have confused us about our
parameters.” –Cloud and Townsend
So why are boundaries
important?
Scripture tells
us that we are to know the difference between the burdens we are to help share
with others and the loads we are to carry ourselves (see Galatians 6:2-5).
Boundaries are created and used by God to establish limits on what is and what is not acceptable, on what is
and on what is not loving. Practically
speaking, for any healthy relationship to exist, an appropriate amount of
boundaries need to be established and actively maintained in order to navigate
through the various twists and turns life will bring throughout the duration of
that relationship.
So how do we exactly set
healthy boundaries?
Well, now that
question isn’t quite so simple to answer. In fact, Cloud and Townsend have
written numerous books to help answer that question and there is still much
more to be written considering each relationship you are in is comprised of a
multitude of unique people and variables that contribute to the types of
boundary dilemmas you might face in any one of your relationships. The good
news, however, is by studying scripture, paying attention to the proven facts
that modern research offers us and committing to continual application of the
knowledge Cloud and Townsend and other authors share in their books, you and I
alike can be equipped with an understanding of the key principles that are
involved in nearly every situation you may face.
So at this point
if you are interested in learning more about how boundaries develop, what the
common boundary styles are, what are the most common ways boundaries breakdown
in our relationships, ways to overcome patterns of impulsivity, avoidance or
hidden resentments in relationship, or practically any other question you might
have about boundaries in relationships….I strongly encourage you to consider
either of these options:
1. Commit to reading the Boundaries series,
written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, starting with their original book, Boundaries:
When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. After that, I
recommend any of their follow up books that focus on specific situations and
relationships where boundaries are most relevant in your life (marriage, with
your children, in the workplace, with your church community, etc.) To see more
of what resources are available to you, check out www.cloudtownsend.com.
2. Consider attending a workshop and/or
training for creating healthy boundaries in your life. For those in the
Madison, WI area, I personally offer a Life Skills Workshop Series (which are
six-week, 90 minute therapeutic based group workshops), one of which focuses on
“Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries”.
For more information please check the following links (promotional information and testimonials from past attendees). If you aren’t in the Madison
area, I recommend you contact your local pastor, community education center or
well-regarded therapy agency for information they may have about these types of
services.
3. Take a minute and sign-up to receive
these blog posts directly to your email and as a follow up to this article, I
will write several blog posts throughout the year focusing on the topic of
boundaries and the various impacts it has on our personal, relational and
spiritual lives.
I hope this post
has caught your attention and perhaps motivated you just enough to take action
on any of the suggestions I have made. I am certain that key people in your
life…especially yourself…will thank you for it.
Justin
No comments:
Post a Comment