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Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Importance of Boundaries in Your Life


I have a few questions for you…
    Do you struggle saying no to people? Or at least feel bad when you do?
    
    Do you have a habit of saying yes to everyone so much that you run yourself weary?
    
    Do you tend to own other people’s dilemmas, even when it creates more chaos in your own life?

    Do you perhaps just say no to everything because you’re afraid if you say yes once, they will always expect a yes every time.

If you said yes to any of those questions, or you happen to know someone in your life that would identify with those questions, then I strongly recommend you continue reading this blog post.

So what exactly are boundaries?

Well, boundaries are anything from the skin that holds your body together, to your property fence line, as well as your ability to say, “no thanks” to someone trying to sell you something you don’t really need but feel bad for turning them down.

For a more technical definition, I refer to Henry Cloud and John Townsend, renowned authors of the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. In their words:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where you end and where someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family or other past relationships have confused us about our parameters.” –Cloud and Townsend

So why are boundaries important?

Scripture tells us that we are to know the difference between the burdens we are to help share with others and the loads we are to carry ourselves (see Galatians 6:2-5). Boundaries are created and used by God to establish limits on what is and what is not acceptable, on what is and on what is not loving. Practically speaking, for any healthy relationship to exist, an appropriate amount of boundaries need to be established and actively maintained in order to navigate through the various twists and turns life will bring throughout the duration of that relationship.

So how do we exactly set healthy boundaries?

Well, now that question isn’t quite so simple to answer. In fact, Cloud and Townsend have written numerous books to help answer that question and there is still much more to be written considering each relationship you are in is comprised of a multitude of unique people and variables that contribute to the types of boundary dilemmas you might face in any one of your relationships. The good news, however, is by studying scripture, paying attention to the proven facts that modern research offers us and committing to continual application of the knowledge Cloud and Townsend and other authors share in their books, you and I alike can be equipped with an understanding of the key principles that are involved in nearly every situation you may face.

So at this point if you are interested in learning more about how boundaries develop, what the common boundary styles are, what are the most common ways boundaries breakdown in our relationships, ways to overcome patterns of impulsivity, avoidance or hidden resentments in relationship, or practically any other question you might have about boundaries in relationships….I strongly encourage you to consider either of these options:

1.     Commit to reading the Boundaries series, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, starting with their original book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. After that, I recommend any of their follow up books that focus on specific situations and relationships where boundaries are most relevant in your life (marriage, with your children, in the workplace, with your church community, etc.) To see more of what resources are available to you, check out www.cloudtownsend.com.

2.    Consider attending a workshop and/or training for creating healthy boundaries in your life. For those in the Madison, WI area, I personally offer a Life Skills Workshop Series (which are six-week, 90 minute therapeutic based group workshops), one of which focuses on “Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries.  For more information please check the following links (promotional information and testimonials from past attendees). If you aren’t in the Madison area, I recommend you contact your local pastor, community education center or well-regarded therapy agency for information they may have about these types of services.

3.    Take a minute and sign-up to receive these blog posts directly to your email and as a follow up to this article, I will write several blog posts throughout the year focusing on the topic of boundaries and the various impacts it has on our personal, relational and spiritual lives.

I hope this post has caught your attention and perhaps motivated you just enough to take action on any of the suggestions I have made. I am certain that key people in your life…especially yourself…will thank you for it.


Justin



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