Throughout time, there has always been an abundance of
“free” parenting advice offered to those looking for it. Whether it is from a
good intending family member, or from a popular comedy sitcom, any “free
advice” usually comes at a real world cost of applying it. As a Christian
family therapist, I have seen and heard of all sorts of “personal solutions”
that some indeed are effective, but perhaps may be ill-advised for others to
try. So, instead of writing about a list of techniques that have been
thoroughly researched (see Love and Logic resources) or providing a sermon on
God’s Word about parenting (see proverbs), I would like to offer you an
effective twist on one piece of “bad parenting” advice:
Commit
to always say yes to your children!!!…..even while saying no to
their requests or preferences or choices.
I’m serious, just think about how many times you say no
first to your children during their daily interactions such as dinner time, or
bed time, at the grocery store, or if I even dare…the toy store!?!?!?!
The issue is that starting with a “no”, is like zapping them
emotionally, which causes a release of cortisol, adrenaline and other “fight,
flight, or freeze” reactions in their brain, which makes them much more likely
to be resistant and protest or eventually they begin to resign from even trying
because they constantly feel unloved or unable to get their needs met.
However, starting with a
“yes” allows them to feel heard and validated, to feel loved and empathized
with, and it sets their brain up with the more beneficial level of chemicals such
as dopamine and oxytocin, prior to you asking them to accept your no.
Often times, if you commit to leading with a “yes”, it
allows you to maintain your purposeful boundaries and protective limits, while
allowing them to hear your empathy and understanding of why they might want to
make such a request or action. Statements such as “yes, I can understand why
you would want that, however, today my answer is a no” or “sure, that would
make sense, yet, at this time I’m not willing to permit that in this house”,
allow you to send the internal messages of acceptance, love and permission to
allow them to vocalize who they are trying to be, while maintaining your
parameters of honest, loving and fair limits.
Although it takes a little bit of mental training to lead
with a “yes” first, it is amazing at how effective this simple shift is at
allowing both the parent and the child to preserve the love they have for each
other while accepting and dealing with the limits of reality. In His Truth,
that is exactly how God loves and parents us. He provides us unconditional love
while maintaining His Will and His Provision for us, for the goal of helping us
grow and mature as we were intended to be with Him.
If you enjoyed that bit of “free parenting advice” stay
tuned for the future parenting blog post titled...Some rules are not meant to
be broken!
Justin
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