Couples Connection Challenge #4: Learning to Dialogue and Engage with Your Spouse

So here we are, the final week of the challenge. Did you make an honest effort for interviewing your spouse? Were you able to make room in your heart for the honest answers you may have received? Were you prepared to answer any questions your spouse may have had for you? Are there any questions that you aren’t quite ready to bring to the surface?


In this stage of a couples challenge, each couple’s experience will vary drastically. Yet, it is by maintaining focus on the consistencies and principles that God invites us toward which will allow for enough security to “be still, and know that He is there” (Psalm 46:10). And so to finish this couple’s challenge, I invite you to the art of learning to dialogue….more importantly, the ability to keep the dialogue going not just through the end of the issue being discussed, but throughout the life of your marriage.


So what exactly is dialogue? Speaking in dictionary terms, the definition of dialogue includes, “a conversation between two or more persons; an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue; to discuss areas of disagreement candidly in order to resolve them”.


While I don’t disagree with those explanations, I also believe a marital dialogue is more about allowing the conversation of the topic, but also from the heart, to continue, to expand, and to be integrated throughout the relationship’s journey. All too often couples misconstrue the scripture verse of “not letting the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26) as a reprimand for “we must finish and conclude every disagreement….now!” However, I have found working with couples that it is spiritually enriching when both spouses commit to continue the spirit of the conversation, sometimes throughout many seasons, not as a way of avoidance rather as an intentional honoring of the importance the issue has for each of them. When there is a felt security in knowing the dialogue won’t end just because the conversation of the issue has temporarily ceased, it allows both spouses to trust the value of reflecting internally and upwardly to God to get a better understanding and perspective, as opposed to demanding a solution or compromise of either spouse’s heart.


So that is where we start with this week's challenge. The first step in learning to dialogue is to create a healthy and emotionally safe environment for dialogue. As a couple, work towards an agreement on the best times and places for deeper discussion. Find the right “temperature” in your heart for when and how to bring up the issues needed to be discussed, yet instill grace and patience for not having all the answers and solutions according to a human made timeline. When initiating a dialogue, it is helpful to simply ask, “Is now a good time, if not when would be for you?” Also it is wise to give a bit of an overview of the issue, the level of intensity or urgency the issue has for you, as well any hoped for outcomes you might have prior to even having the discussion. The important thing is for both spouses to feel prepared and secure, or at least be ready to lean on God and the Holy Spirit to guide the discussion from an honest place of the heart, and not from a defensive or reactive attitude.


As the topic is discussed, it is helpful when both spouses are given the space (within a reasonable time frame) to present and share their perspectives, without reactions or defensiveness, but rather with a heart of seeking to understand the intention, concern, and hoped for outcome of each spouse. Try to avoid jumping straight to action, requests, or planning a “fix it” solution. It may help to end discussions with a statement such as, “based on what we just discussed, is there any future planning or further discussions that would be helpful to have…if so when would be a good time for us”


Remember to be open to continuing the dialogue….like a good volley in a game of tennis, allowing each other to contribute to the giving and receiving of the information and emotional sharing of the discussion. It is in this process that a couple deepens their ability to build trust and credibility in each other as well as in their relationship’s strength to endure temporary disagreements or dilemmas, knowing that with perseverance there will be resolution.


As you reflect back on this past month, my hope is that you have seen the value of each step we focused on. Marriages thrive when spouses genuinely invest their time and energy into connecting and being more present with each other. Yet a spiritual marriage is strengthened when there is an intentional effort to explore and learn more about each other’s heart, and commit to develop the art of dialogue. In many ways, the various circumstances the two of you face throughout your lifetime together is how God dialogues with each of you. I pray that He continues to guide you and lead you to a deeper knowing of His love for you and His plans for your marriage.


Thank you for taking the Couples Connection Challenge!


Justin

Couples Connection Challenge #3: Learning to Interview and Explore Your Spouse’s Heart

It’s now the third week of this challenge…does it feel like it’s been that long. How have you done so far on genuine efforts for initiating connection with your spouse? Have you noticed any changes, any shifts in either of your hearts? Or, perhaps, have you come across any new barriers, perhaps some internal resistances that you weren’t prepared for?

As with any renewed effort or exercise, trying to re-connect with your spouse will likely bring you both excitements at the new possibilities as well as reminders of the age-old fears and insecurities that dwell in the shadows of your heart.

This week’s challenge is focused on your willingness to learn, both about your spouse’s heart as well as your own experience in the marriage you are in. As we open our eyes, ears and heart to our spouse, we begin to connect to the spirit of God’s heart. At His core, God is about relationship, and relationship is about the freely giving and receiving of one another. Just as it is important to “lead with love” in marriage with kinds words, thoughts and actions, it is as equally important to develop the art of “seeking to understand”. It is amazing to think of how uniquely detailed God knows each of us (see Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 139:13; Matthew 10:30) yet how endlessly He seeks us out and desires to draw ever nearer to our heart.

As a Christian marriage therapist, I have seen the beauty of many couples softening their hearts towards each other, sometimes in a mere instant, all because one or both spouses begin to set aside their own agendas and demands to feel heard, and genuinely seek to understand the other’s heart. Their entire demeanor changes and it opens an avenue of connection like they may have never experienced before.The great thing is that it’s not some magic trick nor does it take a Herculean effort. Rather, it starts with a willingness and trust.

It starts with a willingness to make room for the other person’s thoughts, feelings and attitudes, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear. With a willingness to see value in the others perspective and to show interest in learning not just what or how they did something, but rather what they experienced while they did it…and perhaps what part in the larger story of their life it played.

Seeking to understand also takes trust. It takes a sense of trust that you don’t have to defend yourself or react negatively, rather you can trust what your spouse’s heart is saying is true…at least for them, and that God will give the both of you enough love to stand firm against any misconceptions, transgressions or fears that result in not seeing eye to eye on a particular issue or event. Being willing to seek to understand takes trust in your spouse that they too want to hear your heart and will make room for where you stand, even if they don’t agree with it.

When couples can commit to learning how to trust and how to be vulnerable, while showing love and respect for each other, it allows the marriage to become a true safe-haven for sharing from the depths, as well as a fun and exciting arena to practice expressing different versions of each other’s personality and desires to be known. To be clear, not all couples are ready for this depth of honesty, and unfortunately, some spouses refuse to soften their hearts and make it very difficult to present vulnerability without creating more damage or wounds in the relationship. If that is the case in your marriage I strongly encourage you to seek counsel and support from a resource that will provide safety yet help to draw out the truths that need to be dealt with.

So now it’s time to put this concept of “seeking to understand” into action.

In its basic form, what “seeking to understand” looks like in a marriage is as simple as….interviewing. However, it’s not about playing emotional “go fish” and looking for a particular answer from your spouse….and it’s definitely not about jumping right to an action plan once your spouse gives you an answer. Rather learning to interview your spouse is about seeking out a relational connection, a deeper understanding about the person and story being told, more than it is about the facts or details. It is also important to ask interview questions in an explorative demeanor, using phrases such as “what was it like for you when…?” or “how was it for you as a…?. Explorative questions will be received much more lovingly then the unintended interrogative or judgmental tone that the word “why” can have, such as in questions like “why did you do that?” or “why do you feel that way?”

Many spouses question this type of interviewing and suggest that “I’ve already asked them about that” or “We’ve been together so long that there isn’t anything new to learn”, and in many ways they are correct. Indeed a sharing of factual information in a relationship can only go so far because sometimes the answer to the question may always be the same (i.e. “were you nervous on our first date?” or “what type of vacations did you go on as a child?”). However, when we share in a sense of relational information, it is always changing because this type of sharing is more about the type of experience they had and/or about their current view of the experience.

As a husband for nearly a decade, and as a professional who is trained to study people, I have a pretty good grasp on the type of person my wife is and what to typically expect from her. However, I would be amiss if I were to only focus on predicting what and how she will do something because I would likely fail to learn why she did it and what that means about who she is and the heart she has. A therapeutic term for this type of learning of our spouse is referred to as their “love maps”. A love map is an abstract concept of a collection of knowledge about the inner details of your spouse’s inner being, their inner thoughts and emotions, their little white lies and their deeper fears as well as dreams. The more a couple actively pursues learning about each other and creating a detailed knowledge of each other’s “love map” they create a multitude of connection points and often enjoy each other’s presence and have a stronger foundation to deal with the trials and struggles in life.

So as I give you various examples of interview questions and categories to being learning about your spouse, I encourage you to take to heart the importance of the “heart to” of interviewing with a greater focus on the “behind the scenes” rather than just the “facts and statistics”.

Here is a list of starting questions in various relationship categories to choose from.  I also recommend “Love Talks” and “Family Talks” by Gary Chapman, and “Love Talk Starters” by Les & Leslie Parrot.  These are a collection of interview questions with a wide range from the funny to the serious that are great conversation starters and keep your interest and intrigue alive and active in your marriage as well as your discussions with your kids.

So there you have it….challenge number three is now in front of you! I wish you the best and may God continue to bless your efforts for drawing nearer to your spouse!

Happy Interviewing!

Justin

Couples Connection Challenge #2: Learning to Date Your Spouse

As I wrote about in the previous Couples Connection Challenge , developing the spiritual “heart to” for your marriage is at the core of an active and growing love which is capable of lasting throughout the journey of your lifetime together. As a Christian marriage therapist, re-igniting each spouses “heart to” is one of the first building blocks I seek to establish in my work with a couple.

Similar to the tendency for wanting the “how to” answers first, I have found that couples are often focused on the “here and now” of their circumstance and state of marriage. As important as the current circumstances we find ourselves in are, I have found that taking at least a look into the origins of the relationship is a well worthwhile investment of a couple’s time and emotional energy.


And that is where we start…in the beginning.

So how about you…..

What was your first date? Or maybe, what was the first great date with your future spouse like?
What did you do, how did they act, how did you feel?
What type of energy, creativity and romance did you bring to the date?


It is important to re-ignite an emotional connection to what drew the two of you close in the first place. In all likelihood those same connection points are what you each are yearning for still today. Unfortunately, the realities of life, marriage, and family begin to serve as threats to the connection and intimacy you may have once shared. Taking an honest look at the specific barriers to romance, excitement and “newness” of your relationship is an equally important step to re-igniting the connection you are looking for in your marriage.


So how about for you…..

• What specific barriers do you see that get in the way of the “feeling good” feeling of your dating days?
• What would you have to overcome if you attempted to replicate your dating stage at this point in your marriage?
• Is it time or energy, boredom, redundancy? Or is it a deeper fear of disappointment, or a doubt of being accepted and responded to if you took initiative?

Overcoming any barrier in relationship is about being willing to take initiative, take emotional risks and showing vulnerability. It is in this vulnerability for the intention of an honest, authentic and selfless expression of love that you not only draw closer to your spouse, but also to the design in which God binds the two of you (see Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31).




Often times this is the point where one spouse or the other will look at me and say, “Great, now what? We’ve remembered what it was like when we first started dating, and we’ve talked about what gets in the way in our life today….so now what….how do we get that spark back?”


Well, if you have read some of my previous blog posts you will know some of the ways I tend to respond here. If you aren’t as familiar with my previous articles, I would encourage you to peruse the archived section (see the right side of this page). Either way, this is the proper time and place for a few suggestions from the “how to” category that many of the couples have seen benefit from.

I recommend that you start with brainstorming a list of potential couples date night, even ones with the kids in the house. It is important for children to see your marriage as a separate yet integrated entity in the family they are in. God designed marriage to be both distinct and in the context of a larger body of love and community. By brainstorming ahead of time, you engage in the creative part of your brain that is much more effective when it doesn’t feel the pressure of last minute planning or “forced spontaneity”.

Also be sure to include a list of potential family date nights in which you integrate your current life circumstance and family size within the context of “dating your spouse”.

You may also benefit from doing some research. By asking friends, support groups, or even if you google it you will definitely find ideas abound that are creative and unique…..which is exactly the point, to personalize whichever ideas you gather to the type of person you are and the type of romance your spouse draws toward.


Finally, it is important to remember that dating is about more than just going places; rather it is mostly about the type of connection both verbally, emotionally, and spiritually that you create. By putting focus on learning “to know and be known” in your marriage, you will be invited to a greater intimacy as God has planned for your relationship.


For a greater sense of the “heart to” in learning to date your spouse, I recommend this article http://jarridwilson.com/im-dating-someone-even-though-im-married/.


And for an expanded list of “how to” ideas, check out these sites for other great date night ideas….

• http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/twenty-five-inexpensive-ideas-for-great-dates-1285344.html 
• http://unveiledwife.com/at-home-date-night-ideas/ 
• http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2009/november/eightgreatdatenights.html 
• http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/marriage/great-date-ideas

So….are you up to the challenge? Are you willing to continue the journey to draw closer to your spouse’s heart?


If so……Happy Dating!



Justin

30 Day Couples Connection Challenge

It’s the beginning of a new year, and with all of the anticipation and excitement a clean slate has to offer, I invite you to consider joining me and many other couples on a 30 day challenge to consciously increase the connection in your marriage.

It is well documented that a relationship, especially a marriage, is like a life form in itself. Similar to a plant, for instance, every marriage needs loving attention and care to ensure that it is being provided the essential nutrients (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) it requires to not just survive, but truly thrive into the optimized shape it is capable of. As the parable of the sower teaches us (see Matthew 13: 1-23), it is the level of willingness and openness of our heart that allows God’s love, and the love of our spouse, to be planted deeply in our heart and transition into an active and growing base of love for healthy relationship. Yet just as the sun, the rain, and the wind which challenge, test and strengthen the plant to grow, our marriages are also strengthened and enhanced by the imperfections of the circumstances we are in as well as the realities of trespassing against one another. It is with the grace and mercy that God offers us, as well as His commitment to teach us a perfected love (see 1 John 4:18), that allows us to overcome each of our imperfections and drive out the fears, anger and transgressions that can stand between our spouse and an active love in marriage.

And so that is where our 30 Day Couples Connection Challenge begins. With the “heart to” of our choice, willingness and commitment towards a healthy marriage. Throughout the next four weeks I will follow up with various posts and articles that will introduce or reconfirm topics, strategies and recommendations for growing an active marriage relationship.  We will particularly focus on:

1.      Learning to date your spouse

2.      Learning to interview and explore your spouse’s heart

3.      Learning to dialogue and engage with your spouse

 However, if we only focus on the “how to” we often fall short of our intentions and get stuck in the details or we get disappointed in the lack of outcome we were aiming for. Yet, by starting with the “heart to”, the deeper stirrings of our heart in which we candidly declare in our heart and resolve our conviction to pursue a growth and deepening of the love we intend to offer our spouse, our God, and thus ourselves within the context of the marriage God provided us.

To paraphrase Christ’s words to the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda (see John 5:6), “Do you want to grow in your marriage?” If so, I ask that you genuinely invite God into the depth of your heart, despite the potential wounds, fears, harbored anger or resistance you might have, and ask God, the author and perfector of all marriages, to reveal to you the plan He has in store to enhance, grow and restore your marriage for all it is designed to be.

Justin