From Such Humble Beginnings

As the Christmas season is upon us, with the predictable hustle and bustle all around us, I invite you to take a few minutes with me and reflect on the true “reason for the season”. It is easy to get caught up in the details of the season with all of the preparations and plans as well as the ongoing details of our lives with all of the different obligations, roles and relationships we try to juggle year in and year out.  However, if we only look at the details, we will surely miss the larger picture and the beautiful purpose God has through His design.

On paper, looking at the details of Christ’s entry to this world is quite astonishing. 

·        An unprepared mother, father and a potential dissolvement of the relationship prior to birth. (Luke 1:26-38; Matthew 1:18-19)

·        Low socioeconomic status and excluded from local society (Luke 2:24)

·        A blended family and split loyalty dynamics. (Luke 2:41-50)

·        Unwelcomed by unfriendly local community (Mark 6:2-4)

 

Similarly, we all have our own story and family background that isn’t quite as “perfect” as we would prefer. None of us walk out of our family and community backgrounds without some sort of disappointment, unloved, brokenness, imperfection in relationships…etc. These events and experiences often become the impetus of great struggle in our lives until we learn to overcome them, not by our own power, but by the healing power of relationships, particularly with God.

Yet, to think God planned for Christ to experience these circumstances on purpose!

Jesus Christ had everything in heaven, Yet He choose to come to this earth and become a baby. Not only did Jesus become a baby, He was born to a poor family in an impoverished city and was born in a stable, a crib out of a feeding trough.  Although in a divine way he is all-powerful and all-knowing, Jesus Christ entered the human world completely dependent on Mary and Joseph for food, shelter and basic care.

Similarly, God has designed each of our lives in a way that leaves us completely dependent on the relationships we are born into and on the circumstances we were given. Yet, as we know, it isn’t only about how the story begins, rather how it ends. We are called to be like Christ, learn from Christ, and be sanctified through Christ….never perfect, yet perfected. And it is through our experiences, our choices and our current circumstances in which God offers us a uniquely personalized curriculum to build character and growth in our spiritual and interpersonal lives.

So, as you prepare this Christmas season for the birth of Christ, and as you likely re-read from the beginning of the New Testament, I encourage you to commit to move forward and continue on your openness to receive the wisdom and love that Christ offers us, not just as the poor babe in the manger, but also as the man who gave the sermon on the mount (Matthew 5:1-2).

May God be with you on this truly “most wonderful time of the year”.

 

Justin

Some Parenting Rules Are Not Meant to Be Broken

As Christians we are called to turn to scripture to learn how God parents us, and in return begin to model our parenting style after His.  However, living in this world, there doesn’t seem to be an operator’s manual for some of the unique circumstances that can crop up throughout our career as humanly parents. So here are a few basic ground rules for us parents to abide by…...

1.      Don’t lie to your children!
It sounds so obvious, yet how often do we mislead our children with bent truths about potential consequences (a.k.a. “you’ll be grounded for a month!” or “you’ll never date until your married”J). When we purposefully or unintendedly false advertise to our children of consequences, and we don’t follow through, we end up losing credibility and composure of our parent-child relationship. We begin to think we are more in control than we actually are, and we as parents cross the “frustration is boiling over point” way too often.

Instead of false advertising, it is important to be rooted in reality when we discuss issues or consequences with our children. As parents we need to approach stressful issues with a reality check on what the most appropriate short-term and long-term learning opportunity there is, and that it is something in which we are willing and capable of following through on. When our children can see us as “positively predictable” they will have a deeply rooted security in our love and will learn to trust our parenting, knowing that we will likely operate from a position that is honest and loving yet fair.

2.      Don’t steal from your children!
So often we as parents jump in too quickly when we see our children in a dilemma. We try to prevent discomfort or hurt feelings or perhaps just try to avoid hearing the ear-piercing cries and temper tantrums that naturally come when our children learn the lessons of reality and consequences. Unfortunately, if we jump in too quickly (or never jump in at all) we steal a potential learning opportunity from them and fail to meet them where they are in their thinking or emotions from their point of view (not just ours as the all-knowing and all-powerful adults that we are….see rule number 1!).

It is important that we actively seek out opportunities to allow our children to feel the emotional and relationship realities that come from poor choices (I’m not saying you leave your children in harm’s way!), but in a way that we can help guide them through it where they can learn to do the thinking and thus experience the benefits of wisdom from character growth….not just repeated offenses without change in choices. If we commit to allowing them to at least share in the responsibility of learning and growing, we give them the gift of a much healthier future where they will be better prepared to deal with a variety of real world dilemmas that we all face, i.e. work employment, relationship conflicts, legal system, Godly realities, etc.

           

3.      Don’t bully your children by always telling them what to do!
I’m certain a few eyebrows raised on that one, but you did read that correctlyJ When we get into a habit of always giving commands and demands to our children, we essentially become older, taller, bigger versions of bullies in their lives. “Go to your room!” “Put that down!” “It’s time for bed….now!!!!!” These are all examples of telling your children what to do. Clearly as parents we need to guide, teach and lead our children into becoming young adults. However, when we use our authority as a megaphone to shout out orders, we forget to allow our children to do the thinking, thus to do the learning. We also fail to show them that our love for them is truly unconditional, no matter what, not just if they kept their room clean today!

A proven strategy that works is instead of telling them what to do and how exactly to do it, give them the parameters in which you will allow, inform them of what they can expect from you if they do or do not oblige, and keep your focus on what you can do about it instead. For instance, “son, those who help clean the table are eligible for television time later tonight, please let me know what you decide” will get a much better outcome then, “son, you better clean that table now or else!” A child will experience the second version much the same as if you are a bigger, older bully that gets to boss them around, whereas the first approach which uses enforceable statements, will honor the child’s individual choices yet allows them to appropriately reap the benefits or consequences of their choice. To read more about enforceable statements and helping guide your child through dilemmas, I strongly recommend the various parenting articles from www.loveandlogic.com. 

4.      Be willing to follow your own rules!
It goes without saying that our children pay attention to not just what we say, but what we do. The mirroring effect lasts much longer than the kindergarten age where they pretend play, rather it extends into pre and post adolescence as well. Admit it, it is very difficult to expect your child to “STOP YELLING!!” when your voice is equally elevated! As we begin to implement key parenting parameters, based on Godly principles, it is essential that we commit to following our own rules. As scripture says, “we love because we are loved” (John 15:12) so too are we to parent as we are being parented. Even if we didn’t have the most effective humanly parents as we would have preferred, we are all invited to “be trained in righteousness” (2 Timothy3:16) and learn from our true Father in heaven. Not only do we have a more upright and loving stance when we follow God’s parenting plan, we also have a front-row seat to plant an experience of Godly love straight to our children’s hearts. 

 

Justin

 

Being Thankful: A Secret Ingredient to Happiness

It seems that for many, the search for happiness is an endless endeavor that leads them to countless types of attempts to obtain, each resulting in more thorns and thistles than fruit and nutrition. In truth, although happiness is more of a delusion of society than it is a tangible object, the scriptures lead us to a deeper sense of fulfillment through Christ, which leads us to the ever so coveted state of happiness. However, happiness isn’t so much of a thing that we can acquire, rather it is something of which we already behold.

One of the most essential ingredients of happiness is gratitude. Gratitude, a simple emotion with a spiritually powerful impact and numerous medical health benefits, requires one to be humble, accepting of their circumstances for what they are, while making emotional room for the unmet expectations, preferences or jealousy of what others seem to have in their life.

Research consistently shows that those who routinely practice the art of gratitude, experience life more optimistic, less self-centered with a greater sense of self-esteem, and a deeper spiritual walk without a strong need for materialism or worldly affairs.  Other key benefits of gratitude are a healthier immune system, a higher quality of sleep and relaxation, improved confidence, creativity and sense of connection to others.

So what are different ways to practically practice gratitude in our lives. To begin with, one can begin to simply notice the everyday opportunities in their life where they could practice (or pretend) to be thankful. In fact, a five-minute a day gratitude journal can increase your long-term well-being by more than 10%.

Other ways to grow in the spirit of gratitude is to maintain a larger perspective of life. We often times evaluate our life based on “what we don’t have” and “how far we have yet to go” in our journey through life. When we truly embrace the gift of gratitude we begin to take into account more of what we do have to offer and the gifts we have already been given. One question I try to remind myself of is “whose dream are you living?” If we stop to think of it, every one of us has at least a handful of realities that others in this community, country, and especially world would love to have. Whether it be two working legs, a sound mind, a healthy family, or simply a computer screen to read this article on , we all have been abundantly blessed in ways that we so easily overlook. Jesus was very clear on this point when he spoke in The Beatitudes during His Sermon on the Mount. I would highly recommend a variety of devotionals and study guides that help you personally connect to The Beatitudes in a deeper and more meaningful way.

In closing, as we prepare for this Thanksgiving Day celebration, I personally challenge and purposefully pray that each of you genuinely reflect on the blessings and gifts that Our Loving Father has granted each of you. And may we all learn to truly speak from our hearts a loud giving of thanks!

Justin

Bad Parenting Advice…with a Twist

Throughout time, there has always been an abundance of “free” parenting advice offered to those looking for it. Whether it is from a good intending family member, or from a popular comedy sitcom, any “free advice” usually comes at a real world cost of applying it. As a Christian family therapist, I have seen and heard of all sorts of “personal solutions” that some indeed are effective, but perhaps may be ill-advised for others to try. So, instead of writing about a list of techniques that have been thoroughly researched (see Love and Logic resources) or providing a sermon on God’s Word about parenting (see proverbs), I would like to offer you an effective twist on one piece of “bad parenting” advice:

               Commit to always say yes to your children!!!…..even while saying no to their requests or preferences or choices.

I’m serious, just think about how many times you say no first to your children during their daily interactions such as dinner time, or bed time, at the grocery store, or if I even dare…the toy store!?!?!?!

The issue is that starting with a “no”, is like zapping them emotionally, which causes a release of cortisol, adrenaline and other “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions in their brain, which makes them much more likely to be resistant and protest or eventually they begin to resign from even trying because they constantly feel unloved or unable to get their needs met.

However, starting with a  “yes” allows them to feel heard and validated, to feel loved and empathized with, and it sets their brain up with the more beneficial level of chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, prior to you asking them to accept your no.

              

Often times, if you commit to leading with a “yes”, it allows you to maintain your purposeful boundaries and protective limits, while allowing them to hear your empathy and understanding of why they might want to make such a request or action. Statements such as “yes, I can understand why you would want that, however, today my answer is a no” or “sure, that would make sense, yet, at this time I’m not willing to permit that in this house”, allow you to send the internal messages of acceptance, love and permission to allow them to vocalize who they are trying to be, while maintaining your parameters of honest, loving and fair limits.

Although it takes a little bit of mental training to lead with a “yes” first, it is amazing at how effective this simple shift is at allowing both the parent and the child to preserve the love they have for each other while accepting and dealing with the limits of reality. In His Truth, that is exactly how God loves and parents us. He provides us unconditional love while maintaining His Will and His Provision for us, for the goal of helping us grow and mature as we were intended to be with Him.

                             

If you enjoyed that bit of “free parenting advice” stay tuned for the future parenting blog post titled...Some rules are not meant to be broken!

Justin

How Would You Describe Your Marriage: Friends, Lovers, or Simply Surviving?

As a Christian marriage therapist, I often hear spouses describe marriage in a variety of ways. Some describe their marriage as “an adventure through life with their best friend”, while others describe their marriage as if they are “business partners and co-workers, but not necessarily enjoying each other as friends”. While others describe their marriage as if they are “simply roommates; like two ships passing in the night”.

Although God is the same God and His design for marriage has never changed….why do we have such different experiences within the same constitution of marriage?

 This article won’t be able to address the entirety of that question, however, I do hope to bring to your attention a few specific connection points every marriage needs in order to truly thrive.

To begin with, each marriage must find a balance between being able to function through the logistics of life such as the restrictions of time, energy, money, (grocery lists, errands, parenting, chores, etc.) and the intentional efforts it takes to build and cultivate a sense of friendship and intimacy in their marriage. As God created us as human “beings”, and not just human “doings”, so to our marriage can’t just be about checking off lists and making it through the day. Instead, our marriage is designed to be a refuge and safe haven where we can learn to not only be ourselves but also freely accept and receive who are spouse really is, not just the person they need to be to the rest of the world.

 Both professionally and personally, I have found that a foundation of friendship in marriage is based on the level of three distinct stages:

1.      “Knowing” each other

2.      “Liking” each other

3.      “Interacting” with each other

The “knowing each other” stage is based on the ability to interview, learn and experience one’s spouse in light of their interests, dreams and desires. When couples can unlock the emotional and spiritual story being told by their uniquely personal experiences, it offers an invaluable level of intimacy, discovery and acceptance of one another.

The “liking each other” stage is in regards to showing goodwill towards each other, being thoughtful and purposeful in depositing positives in one another’s “emotional bank account.” Often times it is the little everyday actions and interchanges which show kindness, love and attention to each other, that lead to the positive energy which fuels friendship and excitement for their partner’s presence, even despite any inconsistencies or “warts of character”. As God purposely and unconditionally pursues us, we too are called to truly learn to like not just love our spouse.

The “interacting with each other” stage is about learning to be purposeful and creative in finding ways to cross paths throughout your daily and weekly routine. Marriages thrive when there is a balance of both functional interacting, such as game planning for the monthly budget and grocery list, as well as relational interacting, such as date nights, gestures of kindness, and stirring up interests of past events and activities you both fell in love over. Another important part of interacting is the spouse’s ability and willingness to initiate and maintain dialogue and discussions of deeper relationship issues or opportunities for growth and healing. When couples are able to have dialogue and reconnection meetings, whether they are informal and as needed, or purposefully planned such as a weekly check-in, couples often experience a sense of trust, safety and predictability in their relationship even with the “not so fun issues”.

Although there are several other components marriages need to thrive, I hope that you commit to evaluating your marriage for opportunities to better connect, and hopefully better enjoy the life and friend God has given you through your spouse.

Justin

Do You Find Yourself Playing an Unwanted Game of Twenty Questions with Your Kids?

Have you ever had a genuine desire to learn about your child’s day, only to be met with their determination to not say a peep?

If so, how do you respond to them? Do you try to poke, prod and pry their little lips, only to get a “it was okay” or “I don’t know”?

 Do you try to bribe them with some clever incentive that might motivate them to share with you? Or do you find yourself getting frustrated to the point of being angry or perhaps even feeling a bit rejected by your own child?

No matter how old your child is, it can be quite challenging if your child decides to play the “see if you can get me to talk” game. However, as both a parent and a professional family therapist, I have found it helpful to remind yourself of the original reason you are even inquiring about how they are doing and how their day went…. because of your unsolicited love for them. When we can remember that “we ask because we care”, then we have a baseline for the type of reactions we show in response to their version of the silent treatment.

To begin with, I recommend that instead of just commanding them to tell you how their day went, commit to leading with the words, “would you be willing”.  Those four words communicate a sense of invitation without reprimand, as well as maintain an appropriate level of respect you have for them as an individual who may or may not decide to share their “treasures” (thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc) with you.

If you still hear nothing, try following up with words that clarify your heart’s intention for learning about their world and acknowledge the purpose and value you see in staying connected with not just them but others in your life who are important to you. Then, as hard as it may be, allow them to decide when they are ready…even if it is way past your preferred timeline.

Very similar to playing the game Battleship, the more you try to “find their location”, the more they will squirm away and hope you “miss the target”. So instead of continuing to bombard them with question after question, it is often healthier for both if you simply acknowledge they “are on the radar” and allow them to come to you when they are ready.

Finally, it is also important to finish with a statement that tells them how often you plan to ask anyway, even if they don’t answer, not because you are trying to annoy them but rather because you commit to being sensitive to their preferences, but never to the point where you stop being the loving parent you are trying to be.  It is important to try to find a balance between not invading their privacy yet not abandoning them or yourself and who you want to be as their parent and as a person that you value being.

So as the school year warms up, and your child/children spend more time away from the home then at home, I wish you luck and good form in attempting to connect with you child about who they are and how they are experiencing the life provided for them.

Justin

“Back to School” Family Challenge

It’s almost the time for that dreaded “SCHOOL!!!” word to kick into full gear. Are you ready? I’m assuming with all of the weekly advertisements it is hard not to be very aware of the seemingly endless list needed for a smooth transition back into the school year. However, as important as classroom supplies, school clothes and sports gear is to your child’s success in their academic growth, I would like to highlight another major area in their life that can play a significant role in how much learning actually happens this year……their routine at home.

As our children return to school and spend less time in the home, it is very beneficial to be even more purposeful of the quality time and efficiency they experience during the limited hours they are actually at home. I would like to offer some helpful ideas to keep a sense of balance and routine as an entire family that will not only set them up for success, but likely draw you even closer connected to your loved ones…including the family petJ

Organization:

               What better way is there to get organized than to focus on your organization!?!  For instance, where exactly do you expect your children…and your spouse….to put all the books, bags and clothes they bring home from their various adventures? Do you have a designated spot for backpacks, paperwork, gym bags, etc? If not, I strongly suggest you do so, because this simple step can eliminate a lot of time spent looking for lost items that seem to magically disappear the night before they are truly needed.

Now, what if you already have a designated place, yet no one seems to remember exactly where that is, or perhaps they conveniently forgot how to actually place things in the designated place? Well, there are two quick solutions. First, take a picture of what a clean and organized space is expected to look like and/or have a bulleted checklist of the items that are required to be present before a certain time the night before (you could even make labels for those who love using a label maker). Second, establish a new set of expectations that “those who can be responsible for organizing their spaces, are also those who may continue to keep the privileges they are regularly given” (if they can’t seem to remember…or care…to put their things away, simply have a list of consequences established so that they know what they are signing themselves up for if and/or when they decide to test your expectations).

               Another way to stay organized during the school year is to commit to making a meal prep menu for each week. By planning ahead of time (just like school cafeterias do), you and your children will have a much more predictable menu and you can take advantage of weekends or nights off to do larger meals and also consider crockpot dinners and previously prepped frozen meals for those nights that are a little more hectic.

Setting Limits:

               This one is a tough one. Especially in our modern high tech and socialized culture, there are soooo many different things that can pull each of us in several directions. There is such a competition for our time and energy as parents and children alike. However, when you can give yourself permission to “not have to say yes to everything”, which means giving your children the reality that they will have to “learn to say no to some things”, it will allow a more realistic time frame to work with and fit in family time and down time….such as sleeping a full 7-8 hours. I strongly recommend putting a fair and reasonable limit on extra-curricular activities, organizations and even volunteering.  When you can model with confidence the ability to accept limits and prioritize your priorities, it shows your children the true value of having balance in their life despite the genuine disappointment that comes from not being able to do everything available to them.

Quality Time:

               Having additional opportunities for quality time is one of the main intended benefits for focusing on organization and setting limits. However, just because we may have additional time to use, doesn’t mean we always spend it as purposefully as we could. I recommend you set relationship goals of both time spent and quality connection activities to do with each of your family members and the family as a whole. For instance, scheduling family dinner times and preparing a list of family questions to discuss during dinner is a great way to incorporate a requirement of eating with an intentional effort to connect. (Check out this link for ideas about creating your own family’s dinner questions jar). It is also helpful to designate certain nights of the week as “family game night” or “family movie night” or even specific times of the night for “individual education time” where each person (including you parentsJ) picks a brain stimulating activity (not electronic based) that could range from reading, drawing, music practice, Sudoku, cross words, etc. When your children see that you value downtime and education time enough to participate in it yourselves, they are much more likely to see the value for themselves.

In the spirit of keeping things simple, and knowing that you probably are limited in the time you have to even read this article, I will end here. I truly do hope that you can find at least a few ideas from above that will help you better prepare and execute a plan to make this next school year one of “many fruits and blessings”.

Justin

When Children Are Given Two Choices, They Still Have Three Options

“Now honey, would you like to play with your toys nicely and keep them, or would you rather not play with your toys nicely and then they can stay in my closet?” Have you ever tried that one on your toddler?


Or perhaps you may have tried a different version of that on your teen? (“Would you like to drive responsibly and keep your license, or not and I will be happy to hold on to it until you are more ready for safe driving?)


Dare I say even on your spouse? (“If you would be willing to stop using hurtful words I am willing to stay in the room and discuss this with you, if not I will choose to give myself some space from you until we are both speaking calmly.”)


If you are familiar with the Love and Logic approach to parenting and to marriage interactions, you likely are noticing the use of “choices” and “enforceable statements” (focusing more on what I will do or allow, and not on what they have to do or can’t do), in the examples given above. While there is an abundance of research and literature about the importance and effectiveness of these techniques, (see www.loveandlogic.com) I would like to point out a very important concept that helps us with what happens after we use a statement such as those.


In reality, we can only control certain things, primarily our own thoughts, feelings, intentions, choices, etc. Therefore, also in reality, we cannot control other things, especially others thoughts, feelings, intentions, preferences, choices, etc. So as you sharpen our skills at taking more ownership of yourself by being honest, loving and fair in your discussions and boundaries, I encourage you to remember that even when you use the proven techniques of setting limits and offering choices, your child still has, and always will have options that will likely fall under three main categories:

1. They can choose to do something that will make it better
2. They can choose to do something that will make it worse
3. They can choose to do nothing and leave it to chance


When people choose “to do something that will make it better”, they are likely going to have to prepare themselves to accept what they can’t change or control, while learning to advocate for what they do want, yet make a choice that fits within the parameters given to them. For instance, if the child truly values playing with the toy, even though hitting their sibling with it is much more fun, then they can choose to “accept”, stop hitting, and continue to play with the toy in harmony. The end result is a win-win for all.


When people choose “to do something that will make it worse”, they are most certainly electing to “not accept” and will move into the “rebel mode” with various attempts to escalate things, debate things, retaliate against the authorities involved and/or withdraw, pout, and passively harbor anger and resentment. The end result is a lose for the child due to the lack of growth as well as the loss of the toy,yet if the parent maintains a loving posture, the child will still have a chance for a “to do something to make it better” the next time.


When people choose “to do nothing and leave it to chance”, they are likely allowing themselves to be too passive to their needs and preferences, allowing themselves to stay stuck in a helpless/victim position, or are secretly wanting the authority/parent to be over responsible and do it for them, especially so then the child can attempt to blame the parent later. The dilemma with “leaving it to chance” is that the child doesn’t learn how to grow from the situation, will likely still have to deal with the dilemma in the future, and are literally allowing someone or something else to dictate the outcome whereas they could have chosen to take ownership for themselves in the first place.


Like many other topics about “life lessons”, these three options are easy to write about and read, yet the true act of love and growth is in applying and personalizing them. My hope is that you first commit to observe how often you and/or your child (spouse, etc) naturally do either of the three options, then, when you are ready, ask yourself…..

“Am I ready to address this pattern and do something to make it better, do I want to ignore it or escalate it and make it worse, or do I choose to just sit and observe and leave it to chance that things will magically change on their own?”




Justin

Two Additional Ways to Make a Decision in Marriage

In previous blog posts, I have written about how decisions are made in marriage using “my way, your way, or our way” and “inform, defer, confer”, however, one important distinction I have not written about is whether or not couples are purposeful about the decision they have made.

To begin with, there is a wide range of types of decisions that need to be made in a marriage, especially considering the length of time marriages span (hopefully). Whether these decisions be big or small, one thing that is helpful for the longevity and quality of the marriage is to “decide rather than slide” into decisions.

When we “slide” into a decision, it is likely that neither person was overly assertive into what needed to be decided or how exactly it would get done. As a result, over the course of time the couples sort of just “figured it out”. Now that may work for some of the smaller situations you face in everyday life, however, if spouses don’t take an honest account of what is truly important to them and why they would prefer one option over the other, then both spouses typically fail to take full ownership of the decision made and it ends up being ripe for blame, resentment, discontentment and disappointments.  

God designed us to be proactive and purposeful in our life choices, and it works the same for our marriages. As a marriage and family therapist, I have seen the devastating effects passivity and “aimlessly wandering” or “just settling” has not only had on the landscape of marriage, but also on each person’s heart and soul. Whether it be in the area of finances, parenting, sex, holidays, career decisions or any other scenarios that marriages have to navigate through, we spouses don’t take hold of their current reality and work together to point towards a common vision for the future, either or both feel less than fulfilled and satisfied later down the road.

So why not take more ownership and purposefulness in our lives and marriages? Well, some of the biggest barriers are fear, intimidation of “not having a guarantee”, worry of being blamed for an undesired outcome, as well as not wanting to risk the vulnerability of “leading and dreaming of a better future”. The good news, however, is that God designed us to turn to Him for discernment and guidance from both the mundane and the most significant of choices.

It is my hope and prayer that you take an honest assessment of the key decisions in your life, show courage, and leap with faith while choosing from conviction.

Justin

The Meaning of Fatherhood

As Father’s Day approaches, I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the importance and value a father has in the role he is given from God.

               A dictionary definition of father:

                              Father, (noun and verb);

1.      A male parent or any male acting in a paternal capacity;

2.     A male who originates something;

3.     To perform the tasks or duties of a male parent;

4.     To assume as one’s own; take the responsibility of;

As you can see above, the word father infers both a noun ( a sense of being) as well as a verb ( a sense of acting). From my experience as a son, a son-in law, and a father of three, as well as a marriage and family therapist who has had the privilege of encountering countless men and fathers, I seek to shed light on what the word father has come to mean to me.

Spiritually, being a father is about being given a God-trusted responsibility of an innocent child, group of children or a position of leadership, and to respond with a willingness to be humbled, overcome fear with faith, and resolve to preserve through endless unknown trials with conviction. Spiritually, being a father is also about holding my child in my arms and knowing that their life experiences, sense of safety, understanding of love, and growth in faith is bestowed upon me to take the initiative and lead with love, regardless of my past experiences with men and fathers of my own.  As God designed it, being a father is also about creating a loving relationship with their mother, a type of love that provides assurance and stability, as well as a blueprint of how true intimacy, respect and compassion can create a source of life and security for those who dwell in it.

In everyday life experiences, I’ve found that being a father is about watching a little person who so eerily reminds me of someone I know be capable of melting my heart with a smile, or wrenching my soul when they are in pain. Being a father is about doing whatever it takes, including late night bottle feedings, last minute store runs for that one missing part of their upcoming gift surprise, as well as committing to what seems like hundreds of dance recitals, school activities, sporting events, and eating humble pie each time I will have to remember how to do elementary math problems I learned decades ago.

From having several father-like figures play a significant role in my life, I’ve witnessed that being a father is about being willing to teach, reteach, repeat again, then apprehensively watch the younger generation completely dismiss all the wise teachings and do it their version anyway. Yet, being a father is also about lovingly accepting their apology and with purposefulness allowing them to learn from their mistakes and take ownership of their experiences. I’ve also experienced that fatherhood has absolutely nothing to do with genetics, legal custody agreements, or titles, rather it’s about taking the opportunity to speak truth and love into a young child, or a young adult’s heart while never depending on the recognition or praise in order to know that it made a difference in their life and likely for generations to come. I’ve also first-hand observed that being a father is about investing in your children for decades, only to be strong enough to smile as you watch them walk down their own path and calling in life, whether it be walking across the podium, walking down the aisle, or walking out of sight in the airport, yet with a silent affirmation of knowing that what the father has invested in their heart will be given an opportunity to produce fruit in the child’s future.

As I’ve professionally interacted with countless fathers over the years, I’ve seen that being a father is about both the excitement and joy that comes with the news of a pregnancy, as well as the devastating heartbreak from the stories of holding a stillborn child in parent’s arms, or placing the final rose on the grave of an unrealized dream that God called home earlier than they hoped for. I’ve learned that the calling of fatherhood runs so spiritually deep that even when a man’s own childhood experiences have been of abuse, addictions, or abandonment, God prepares their heart to push past the pain and eternally transform it into love, hope and dedication, for a child of their own.

I’ve learned that fatherhood is also about checking for monsters in the closet, scaring away the teenage boys who want to date their daughters and double checking seatbelts even when they are in their twenties, not out of unwarranted anxiety, rather out of a call of duty to protect and promote healthy transition throughout the stages of life.

I’ve learned that fatherhood is more than about being “the master of the grill”, “the keeper of the lawn”, “the tinkerer in the garage”, “the coach on the field”, or “the scout troop leader”, or any other stereotype fathers tend to fall under.  Fatherhood may entail those things, rather it’s more about the attitude and level of engagement that the father has when performing these roles, hopefully with  an attitude out of love, encouragement and support, rather than one out of obligation, pride or control.

I’ve also come to see that being a father doesn’t end when the children leave the home, have children of their own or begin to take care of their own parents as they move towards the end of their life, rather a father’s love and duty, has been divinely designed to cover the lifespan of each child, as well as return to God the Father for true strength, mercy, and wisdom.

As we take time to celebrate this Father’s Day, I pray a prayer of thanks, love, and support for each and every man who has taken up the call from God Our Father, and has allowed someone in this world to
be “loved as He loves us”.

Happy Father’s Day!

Justin

Three Other Ways to Make a Decision in Marriage

As a follow up to last month’s post on how couples make decisions in marriage, I wanted to add another layer to the conversation.

In a previous blog post I discussed three ways in which couples tend to make decisions in marriage (see blog post). As you very well know, life brings to us all sort of different types of decisions and marriages are often paired with very different types of decision makers. So what happens when a couple has two different styles in which they go about carrying out their decision? Well, the answer to that is actually a great question to ask….”Honey, would you prefer me to do this one your way, my way, or our way?”

Let me explain. If my wife were to ask me to vacuum the living room…which she just so happens to do so on occasionJ… I’ve learned that it is most effective if I clarify what type of vacuuming she has in mind. For instance, my way would be to simply plug the vacuum in, push it around any available floor space that doesn’t require too much furniture movement, and be done in time before the football game is back on. However, more times than not, her way is to clear out the majority of objects that reside in our living room…including our kidsJ, thoroughly clean nearly every square inch of the carpet, then put the finishing touches by spraying a “freshly vacuumed fragrance” throughout the area.

As you can tell, our preferred styles are totally two different legitimate approaches and if neither of us are clear on what the level of expectation is, or the level of willingness is to meet that expectation, we will likely find ourselves in a “your way vs. my way” version of spousal tug of war. Thankfully, we have developed an ability to verbalize a third option…“our way”. For the vacuuming scenario, “our way” is simply to rotate the different approaches unless it is otherwise noted by both of us based on the current situation.

Can you relate to this example? How about other areas of decisions in your married life? For instance, when you go shopping with your spouse…are you more of a “browser” or a “hunter”. Or when you go to a restaurant…do you pre-plan exactly everything you will order before you get there…or do you order at the very last moment using the eenie meenie miny moe approach?

Although these seem like trite examples, the reality is that marriage satisfaction and stability is greatly increased when couples learn to:

1.      Acknowledge their own preferred styles

2.      Accept their spouses style as a legitimate way of doing things

3.      Collaboratively work together on finding a “common ground” solution

4.      Purposely practice using each of the above three steps in a variety of areas in their marriage

What’s important is that no matter how many differences the two of you may have in your ways of navigating through life, that by God’s grace, He always provides you with an opportunity to move away from the “me versus you” mentality and more towards the “us versus it” approach.

Justin

Honoring Mothers

As the calendar moves through May, and we approach the upcoming Mother’s Day, I would like to dedicate this blog to mothers.  So, how do we define who is a mother? The dictionary lists a mother as this…

Mother, (noun);

1.      A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.

2.      A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother.

3.      A woman who creates, originates, or founds something.

4.      Maternal love and tenderness

Clearly mothers are important, in fact they are essential. In order to grow as children, as adults, and as fellow Christians, we are to take very seriously the way in which we acknowledge and honor our mothers.  When the Bible declares “honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12), it isn’t referring to simply honoring with words or with memories. Rather honoring your father and mother is being respectful in word and action and having an inward attitude of esteem for their position (see Mark 7:6). In fact, the Greek word for honor means “to revere, prize, and value. Although not all reading this will have great experiences with their mothers, or perhaps not have had the benefit of having a biological mother in their life. But most likely, all of us have been positively impacted by someone in this world who has been a symbol and a model of mothering. So what are personal practical ways to honor your mothers, not just on mother’s day with a card or flowers, but rather on a regular and purposeful basis?

You could consider any one of the following:

o   Write her a heartfelt letter

o   Call her, just to say hello

o   Visit her, in person or in memory

o   Send flowers to her "just because"

o   Create a sentimental keepsake

o   Take her out on “a date” with activities you know she enjoys

o   Look at the family albums and scrapbooks together

o   Share with her your favorite memories of her

o   Make a collage with words describing the type of character she has helped you develop

I wish all mothers, those who play a motherly role, and those who have been blessed by a mother, a very happy and honoring Mother’s Day!

Justin

Famous Quotes About Mothers:

"Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children".  ~ Billy Graham

              
Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.
 ~ Author Unknown

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~ Sophia Loren

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. ~ Abraham Lincoln

A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking. ~ Ann Rice

A mother understands what a child does not say. ~ Author Unknown

The Importance of Boundaries in Your Life

I have a few questions for you…

    Do you struggle saying no to people? Or at least feel bad when you do?

    

    Do you have a habit of saying yes to everyone so much that you run yourself weary?

    

    Do you tend to own other people’s dilemmas, even when it creates more chaos in your own life?

    Do you perhaps just say no to everything because you’re afraid if you say yes once, they will always expect a yes every time.

If you said yes to any of those questions, or you happen to know someone in your life that would identify with those questions, then I strongly recommend you continue reading this blog post.

So what exactly are boundaries?

Well, boundaries are anything from the skin that holds your body together, to your property fence line, as well as your ability to say, “no thanks” to someone trying to sell you something you don’t really need but feel bad for turning them down.

For a more technical definition, I refer to Henry Cloud and John Townsend, renowned authors of the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. In their words:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where you end and where someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family or other past relationships have confused us about our parameters.” –Cloud and Townsend

So why are boundaries important?

Scripture tells us that we are to know the difference between the burdens we are to help share with others and the loads we are to carry ourselves (see Galatians 6:2-5). Boundaries are created and used by God to establish limits on what is and what is not acceptable, on what is and on what is not loving. Practically speaking, for any healthy relationship to exist, an appropriate amount of boundaries need to be established and actively maintained in order to navigate through the various twists and turns life will bring throughout the duration of that relationship.

So how do we exactly set healthy boundaries?

Well, now that question isn’t quite so simple to answer. In fact, Cloud and Townsend have written numerous books to help answer that question and there is still much more to be written considering each relationship you are in is comprised of a multitude of unique people and variables that contribute to the types of boundary dilemmas you might face in any one of your relationships. The good news, however, is by studying scripture, paying attention to the proven facts that modern research offers us and committing to continual application of the knowledge Cloud and Townsend and other authors share in their books, you and I alike can be equipped with an understanding of the key principles that are involved in nearly every situation you may face.

So at this point if you are interested in learning more about how boundaries develop, what the common boundary styles are, what are the most common ways boundaries breakdown in our relationships, ways to overcome patterns of impulsivity, avoidance or hidden resentments in relationship, or practically any other question you might have about boundaries in relationships….I strongly encourage you to consider either of these options:

1.     Commit to reading the Boundaries series, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, starting with their original book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. After that, I recommend any of their follow up books that focus on specific situations and relationships where boundaries are most relevant in your life (marriage, with your children, in the workplace, with your church community, etc.) To see more of what resources are available to you, check out www.cloudtownsend.com.

2.    Consider attending a workshop and/or training for creating healthy boundaries in your life. For those in the Madison, WI area, I personally offer a Life Skills Workshop Series (which are six-week, 90 minute therapeutic based group workshops), one of which focuses on “Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries”.  For more information please check the following links (promotional information and testimonials from past attendees). If you aren’t in the Madison area, I recommend you contact your local pastor, community education center or well-regarded therapy agency for information they may have about these types of services.

3.    Take a minute and sign-up to receive these blog posts directly to your email and as a follow up to this article, I will write several blog posts throughout the year focusing on the topic of boundaries and the various impacts it has on our personal, relational and spiritual lives.

I hope this post has caught your attention and perhaps motivated you just enough to take action on any of the suggestions I have made. I am certain that key people in your life…especially yourself…will thank you for it.

Justin

Three Ways to Make a Decision in Marriage

As a Christian marriage and family therapist, I have the privilege of seeing the “ins and outs” and the “behind the scenes” of how things happen in many marriages. What is interesting is that for all the diversity in the demographics of the couples that I help with in my office, some key patterns exist in nearly all relationships universally. One of those commonalities all couples share is the way in which decisions are made.

While there are many different aspects of how decisions are made in marriage, in this blog post, I hope to help clarify an important distinction in regards to the degree of involvement both spouses have in actually making the decision. The three types of decision making I now present are:

1.      Informing

2.     Conferring

3.     Deferring

When spouses use the “informing” style of decision making, one spouse is likely just telling the other what they are planning to do and basically just giving the other a heads up. Some of the real examples of the “informing style” I have heard in my office are, “honey, I’m going to be a few hours late tomorrow because I’m going golfing after work” or “I invited my parents over for the holidays, consider yourself warned!”. Now there is a lot of value in the “informing style”, especially when you consider the type of direct, hopefully loving, assertiveness it takes to inform another person about what, why, how, when, and/or where something is going to take place. However, I have learned that if a couple only “informs” each other about the different things in their life, they usually become more or less like roommates who often are like two ships passing in the night, not really coordinated towards a common goal or direction.

The second style I often see with couples is the “conferring style”. When spouses confer with each other, they typically take an additional step to the “informers” and ask their spouse follow up questions like, “what are your thoughts about my idea?” or “how do we want to work together on this?”. Just like in a conference meeting, the “conferring style” of decision making requires two individuals who are willing to provide and receive information in a collaborative way that will help them to arrive at a decision that is somewhat mutually beneficial.

Now, the third style of decision making is what I consider the “deferring style”. I can always tell when either or both spouses are using the defer method because either one spouse will passively concede and give in to whatever their spouse just suggested (or informed them about), or neither spouse is capable of making a decision because both are stuck in an endless game of deferring which ends up sounding like: “what do you want to do this weekend?...I don’t know, what do you want to do?...I don’t know…” and so on and so on. Again, there is a great value in being loving, considerate and kind enough to defer to your spouse on both big and little decisions in marriage. However, as you can imagine, if a spouse were to only defer, either it sets up one spouse to be the only one in charge or else it is very unlikely that anything gets decided upon and often leads to life just happening to them rather than the couple leading with conviction and unity (see a future blog post about “deciding versus sliding” in your marriage).

As you read this, there is a high likelihood that you can relate to one, two or all three of these styles….I know I sure can. The good news is that in a healthy marriage, we truly need to develop the ability and wisdom of knowing how and when to use all three. Thankfully, we are called to marriage not just for enjoyment or convenience, but rather to be “trained in righteousness” (see Hebrews 12:11) by a God that both began the Bible with marriage and ends the Bible with a marriage.

Justin

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