Investing in Quality Time with Your Children

Much has been written about the importance of spending quality time with those you love, especially with your children. For children, quality time means much more than simply scheduling something to do or a place to visit. When we spend quality time with our children, they receive the important messages from us that, “You are valuable to me and you are a priority in my life”. In fact, as adult children, we never really grow out of our need for quality time and proximity to those we look for love in our lives.

 From a personal perspective, some of my fondest memories are not of “just doing things” or “just buying things” but rather “being present” and “enjoying the moment”, whether it be with my parents and family when I was younger, or with my wife and children in more recent times. What is interesting is that I don’t always remember what I did, where I was or who else was there, rather, I can more detailed describe how it felt and what the experience was like. Now as a father, I am able to re-live some of those cherished memories by investing similar time and attention to my children, and when I do I experience such a joy that they might not even realize they are filling my heart just as much as I am filling theirs.

From a professional therapist’s insight, I encourage parents to find a balance of two types of quality time: “shoulder to shoulder” and “heart to heart”. Oftentimes parents will find one of those styles more natural and preferred, yet to be able to offer both to your children is a wise investment of your time and energy.

It may be helpful to make a list of “shoulder to shoulder” activities that you both have in common, perhaps something that you can teach them and help them to participate with you in. Likely your children are looking for opportunities to join you on some project or activity, and even if there aren’t a lot of words said or emotions shared, they value knowing that they are loved and included by an important person in their life.

As for “heart to heart” time, you may find it awkward or even scary to check in on your child’s heart and their emotional world. Yet, I assure you that they will emotionally, relationally and spiritually benefit from knowing that you aren’t afraid to ask them the tough questions or to invite them to freely share their thoughts and perspectives. When appropriate, I encourage you to share parts of your heart and express to them who you are, maybe not just as their parent but as a person who is also walking through the life God has provided. Often times this type of connecting opens up a deeper sense of trust and confidence in their relationship with you, which leads to improved self-esteem and readiness to be healthy in the other relationships they have.

If you are looking for more resources and ideas, I strongly recommend the work of Christian author Gary Chapman, particularly his books titled “The Five Love Languages of Children” and “The Five Love Languages of Teens”.

So how about you? What are the ways that work for you of not just “spending time” but rather “investing quality time” with your children?

 Justin

Are You an ‘I am’ or an ‘I am not’ Person?

As a Christian therapist, I am trained to study the way in which people communicate and the type of language they use. I often find that the specific words we choose can either “make or break” any conversation. What I find interesting is that the type of conversations we have with ourselves and the views we hold about who we are or what we are capable as individuals also directly impact the quality of relationships we keep in our life.

Not too long ago I saw a client who was struggling with self-esteem. As I listened to him describe himself and his life, it became very evident that he was mainly describing himself from an “I am not….” and an “I can’t” disposition. He would often compare himself to others his age or in his family, and be focusing on the things in which he was inferior or less able to do. It was quite sad to watch him belittle himself by painting a negative picture and a negative future of where he saw himself heading in life.  After a while, I asked him, if he was willing to practice starting his sentences with “I am…” or “I can…” It took him a while, but once he began giving himself permission to highlight the other truths of who he was and what he was capable of, I could see a renewed brightness on his face and a sense of confidence in his demeanor.  What really took me by surprise was when he began to ask me to join him and take turns saying things with “I am” or I am not” as a sentence starter. As I participated with him in my own intervention, it was amazing the fluctuations of emotions I felt when I focused on either the positives or strengths in my life, or on the negatives or “less than talented” areas of my development.

From a Christian counseling perspective, it is important to remember that the words we use about ourselves and others oftentimes reinforce the thoughts and feelings we hold inside and eventually create a reality for ourselves that is not what we would prefer to have. Also, we often mistake the term self-esteem with the word self-worth. In its simple form, self-esteem is more of a cumulative view of how you see yourself and how you think others see you, whereas self-worth is purely from the value that God sees you as and who you are in Christ. In fact, there is nothing you can do or fail to do that will change the worth God sees in you, it is pre-determined and it is unnegotiable. The good news is that we are created by a God made both out of His love and out of an intention to model His character. Since we know that God reminds Moses “I AM who I AM” (Exodus 3:14), it is no surprise that we benefit from focusing on the things that “we are” and “we are capable of” rather than dwelling on the shortcomings in our life. Now in no way am I suggesting that we ignore or avoid the areas in our life in which we can grow, rather that we don’t allow ourselves or others to define us or determine our destiny based on our performance or worldly abilities.

So how about you? How natural is it for you to speak positive and kind of yourself? Do you allow yourself to focus on the “other truths of your character and goodness” or do you tend to “dwell in despair and the defects”? As always, you are invited to share your comments, insights and suggestions for others.

Justin

Have a Lasting Impact on Your Children….With Less Than 30 Seconds a Day

As parents in today’s fast paced and time demanding lifestyle, it is very likely that we are coming home to our spouse and children with nearly empty tanks of energy and enthusiasm. And while it is definitely understandable, it is also such a sad truth that oftentimes the people we love the most get the least from us by the time we come home. Perhaps more disheartening is the unintended message it sends to the hearts of our family members when our first interaction with them is not always at our brightest and shiniest.  span>

From a professional view, this is considered an “unintended misattunement”. Simply stating, by default of the schedules we lead, we are offering a shortage of energy, focus and attention to the people who we most desire to offer ourselves to. So, what are different ways to tilt the scales back to a positive experience for both our family and ourselves?

To begin with, I find it helpful to “name it” and “clarify your intentions” of your preferred responses towards your spouse and children. Likely, they will both agree with you that they may feel slighted at times, and they will also be able to see your genuine desire to show your love for them, not just through your words, but your actions.

Second, it is helpful to begin applying “purposeful effort, intentional actions, and a commitment to being consistent”.  Whatever ritual we create for greeting our family and reconnecting with them when we first arrive, it is crucial that we are deliberate and consistent.  Especially for children, if in their heart of hearts they know your intentions are true, and they can see the efforts and actions you are taking, it will be an honest and loving act of parenting that will serve as a model for them throughout their life…even if they don’t get the chance to spend every waking moment doing all of the cool things they dream of.

One specific exercise I challenge my clients to do is, in the first 30 seconds of arriving home, find your children (perhaps your spouse first…which will be a future blog articleJ), and when you see them, “find their eyes and match their smile”. Depending on their age, they may look at you a bit funny, but do it anyway. It might be helpful to warn them ahead of time, but to clarify your intentions and then follow through is a great way to build credibility in their hearts that you love them, notice them, are willing to seek them out, and want to be present in their lives.

As we learn throughout life, it is the little moments, and the consistent routines that we come to remember the most. As a father, husband and a therapist, I strongly encourage you to be purposeful of your first 30 seconds each and every time you arrive home, and I imagine your spouse and children’s hearts will thank you for it.

Justin

Ways to Begin Speaking the Truth with Love... Using Six Words or Less

Last week I wrote about some of the most commonly used phrases in marriage that are almost certain to cause a conflict. (See Sure-Fire Ways to Start a Fight in Your Marriage...Using Four Words or Less) Over the years I have heard these phrases used over and over in my office and they usually trigger a negative interaction between two people who likely are intending to be loving and honest with their feelings. The good news is, the more we can identify our own uses of these phrases, the easier it is to prevent unnecessary conflicts and we can begin to move towards a more productive and loving dialogue. But, before I offer insight into how we do that, here are a few other honorable mentions not listed in last week’s blog….

• Oh, by the way…
• Just so you know….
• I’m just saying that….
• Can’t you just listen….

Now, the good news about conflict is that it actually becomes an opportunity to learn, grow, and allow love to be stronger than the issue that is coming between the two of you. However, it’s not just the “how to’s” that are important, rather learning the “heart to’s” and the necessary shifts it takes to allow the words we speak to be healing and loving, rather than bitter and harmful. So, just as with the unhelpful phrases we might use, the same rule of “it’s not what you say, rather how you say it” that makes the biggest difference. So here is a collection of phrases that I would encourage you to practice starting your conversations with, especially your conflict issues.

Although these statements might seem awkward or even unrealistic at first, both professionally and personally I have seen the true value they can have in starting a conversation off on the right note as well as saving a conversation that is quickly derailing into “the danger zone”.  The various therapeutic reasons why these are helpful is that each of these have healthy elements of the following:

• Validating Statements
• Leading With a Loving Intention
• A Willingness to Learn and Grow
• Appreciation and Grace
• Affirmation of Love and Commitment
• An Openness to Feedback
• Assuming the Best of Each Other

  

 It is no surprise that when spouses lead with love, and genuinely seek to understand their partner that they will contribute towards a loving, safe, and affectionate environment in their communication. Although the content of what might be said is sometimes difficult to deal with, when we know that we are being treated with honest, loving and respectful hearts, it is much easier to offer a willingness to work together and create an “us versus it” attitude, as opposed to a “me versus you” stance.

So now it’s your turn. If you have personal phrases that work for you in your marriage, I eagerly encourage you to share those with me and the others whom may benefit from learning to speak the truth with love.

Justin

Sure-Fire Ways to Start a Fight in Your Marriage...Using Four Words or Less

As a Christian marriage therapist, I’ve been working with couples for nearly a decade. Much of the work I do is focusing on helping couples to enhance their communication and to help them learn how to speak and receive the truth with love. I’d like to think of my role as a consultant and a choreographer, one in which I can offer key insights and specific communication tools that will shift the direction of their dialogue and move towards a more synchronized dance in their marriage. span>

However, as with any profession, being a therapist is also like having a front row seat into witnessing what doesn’t work in communication. I have found that there are several starting phrases of a conversation that will doom any chance of quality dialogue from the start. Also, often times it’s not what is said, but rather how it is said that can quickly deteriorate any connection or momentum from being built. So here is a collection of incredibly common phrases that are said between spouses which are the most likely to create a wedge straight down the “and they lived happily ever after” kind of feelings in marriage.

If you’re honest, there is a great chance that you have said some of these yourself, I know I sure have, and I’m certain you will at least admit that you have heard these from others in your life. Unfortunately, what comes after these key phrases are somewhat irrelevant because the truth is that most likely the intended message the person wanted to share will never be heard from the listener in the way that will be loving and beneficial. Therapeutically, each of these sentence starters fall under the category of a “harsh startup”, which will be highly likely responded to by defensiveness, anger, dismissiveness and other unloving and unproductive retorts.

Each of the above phrases represent categories of unhealthy and unfruitful communication styles including:

o   Negative interpretations

o   Catastrophizing the situation

o   Negative assumptions

o   Denial of responsibility >

o   Unrealistic expectations

o   Comparisons to others

o   Invalidations

o   “Stamping” or Defining the other

o   Attacks on the others character, integrity, intentions, etc.

Unfortunately, the impact these phrases have in a marriage is huge because not only is the conversation going to head nowhere fast, but the sense of friendship, connection and enjoyment in the marriage quickly fades when there is a consistent pattern of unloving, distrusting, and invalidating rapport between spouses.

Now as a Christian therapist, it wouldn’t be very loving of me to just “stir the pot” and give you a list of what doesn’t work. So, for positive alternatives to these types of statements, check out ”Part 2” in next week’s blog post titled: Ways to  Begin Speaking and Receiving the Truth With Love in Your Marriage….Using Six Words or Less

Justin

P.S. If you just so happen to have personal experience saying or hearing any additional phrases that have a miserable track record in conversations, I would love to hear from you!

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