Are You an ‘I am’ or an ‘I am not’ Person?

As a Christian therapist, I am trained to study the way in which people communicate and the type of language they use. I often find that the specific words we choose can either “make or break” any conversation. What I find interesting is that the type of conversations we have with ourselves and the views we hold about who we are or what we are capable as individuals also directly impact the quality of relationships we keep in our life.

Not too long ago I saw a client who was struggling with self-esteem. As I listened to him describe himself and his life, it became very evident that he was mainly describing himself from an “I am not….” and an “I can’t” disposition. He would often compare himself to others his age or in his family, and be focusing on the things in which he was inferior or less able to do. It was quite sad to watch him belittle himself by painting a negative picture and a negative future of where he saw himself heading in life.  After a while, I asked him, if he was willing to practice starting his sentences with “I am…” or “I can…” It took him a while, but once he began giving himself permission to highlight the other truths of who he was and what he was capable of, I could see a renewed brightness on his face and a sense of confidence in his demeanor.  What really took me by surprise was when he began to ask me to join him and take turns saying things with “I am” or I am not” as a sentence starter. As I participated with him in my own intervention, it was amazing the fluctuations of emotions I felt when I focused on either the positives or strengths in my life, or on the negatives or “less than talented” areas of my development.

From a Christian counseling perspective, it is important to remember that the words we use about ourselves and others oftentimes reinforce the thoughts and feelings we hold inside and eventually create a reality for ourselves that is not what we would prefer to have. Also, we often mistake the term self-esteem with the word self-worth. In its simple form, self-esteem is more of a cumulative view of how you see yourself and how you think others see you, whereas self-worth is purely from the value that God sees you as and who you are in Christ. In fact, there is nothing you can do or fail to do that will change the worth God sees in you, it is pre-determined and it is unnegotiable. The good news is that we are created by a God made both out of His love and out of an intention to model His character. Since we know that God reminds Moses “I AM who I AM” (Exodus 3:14), it is no surprise that we benefit from focusing on the things that “we are” and “we are capable of” rather than dwelling on the shortcomings in our life. Now in no way am I suggesting that we ignore or avoid the areas in our life in which we can grow, rather that we don’t allow ourselves or others to define us or determine our destiny based on our performance or worldly abilities.

So how about you? How natural is it for you to speak positive and kind of yourself? Do you allow yourself to focus on the “other truths of your character and goodness” or do you tend to “dwell in despair and the defects”? As always, you are invited to share your comments, insights and suggestions for others.

Justin