Have a Lasting Impact on Your Children….With Less Than 30 Seconds a Day

As parents in today’s fast paced and time demanding lifestyle, it is very likely that we are coming home to our spouse and children with nearly empty tanks of energy and enthusiasm. And while it is definitely understandable, it is also such a sad truth that oftentimes the people we love the most get the least from us by the time we come home. Perhaps more disheartening is the unintended message it sends to the hearts of our family members when our first interaction with them is not always at our brightest and shiniest.  span>

From a professional view, this is considered an “unintended misattunement”. Simply stating, by default of the schedules we lead, we are offering a shortage of energy, focus and attention to the people who we most desire to offer ourselves to. So, what are different ways to tilt the scales back to a positive experience for both our family and ourselves?

To begin with, I find it helpful to “name it” and “clarify your intentions” of your preferred responses towards your spouse and children. Likely, they will both agree with you that they may feel slighted at times, and they will also be able to see your genuine desire to show your love for them, not just through your words, but your actions.

Second, it is helpful to begin applying “purposeful effort, intentional actions, and a commitment to being consistent”.  Whatever ritual we create for greeting our family and reconnecting with them when we first arrive, it is crucial that we are deliberate and consistent.  Especially for children, if in their heart of hearts they know your intentions are true, and they can see the efforts and actions you are taking, it will be an honest and loving act of parenting that will serve as a model for them throughout their life…even if they don’t get the chance to spend every waking moment doing all of the cool things they dream of.

One specific exercise I challenge my clients to do is, in the first 30 seconds of arriving home, find your children (perhaps your spouse first…which will be a future blog articleJ), and when you see them, “find their eyes and match their smile”. Depending on their age, they may look at you a bit funny, but do it anyway. It might be helpful to warn them ahead of time, but to clarify your intentions and then follow through is a great way to build credibility in their hearts that you love them, notice them, are willing to seek them out, and want to be present in their lives.

As we learn throughout life, it is the little moments, and the consistent routines that we come to remember the most. As a father, husband and a therapist, I strongly encourage you to be purposeful of your first 30 seconds each and every time you arrive home, and I imagine your spouse and children’s hearts will thank you for it.

Justin